Invisible Suicide: The Tortured Soul

I was at a sip and painting event when I heard that Robin Williams had died. She turned to me to say "my mom just texted me that Robin Williams committed suicide." 

This was an odd statement coming from my friends mouth. What..what...what did you say, I asked? 

I went on painting my dandelion, thinking about Robin and how his gift had made me laugh a plenty of times in my own dark despair. I

thought about Barry Fey. Barry was a successful concert promoter in my state of Colorado for many years. I had met Barry a few times and once he had taken me on a date to drink hot cocoa at Village Inn. Barry had taken his life a few years ago, after he had hip replacement surgery and was struggling with the recovery from it. At least that is what I had read about his death. I was very sad about his death.

One of Barry's close friends commented in the paper saying "He was a tortured soul." There happens to be many of us tortured souls out there in the world, I too am one. 

My cousin Van was a tortured soul. He took his life at the age of twentyfour. He was living with his beautiful girlfriend and they just moved into a new place. He went on his morning jog, and decided that jumping in front of a train and having his body cut into thirds was a good idea. Yeah, that's a tortured soul. 

For me I've come to many milestones to understand what haunts me. I've been labeled by professionals with all kinds of descriptions, and did the therapy circuit many times. The truth is, I am a creative person and without some sort of insanity torturing me, I could not create. I think without the tormentor, I'd be a mundane wall flower that never had anything to offer humanity. 

Recently my twin brother was found dead in his apartment after the smell of his decomposing body alerted neighbors. We are still waiting for the coroner's report as to why he died. The thing is, he was killing himself his entire life. He was tortured even more than I am. Part of me thinks he took his life, and the other part of me thinks he died of natural causes, like a heart attack or a stroke. 

As I think about Robin Williams and Barry Fey, I think about the fact that I too am never safe at any age, from being taken down that road by the tormentor. Yeah, I attempted suicide years ago. I feel like I've grown way out of that time of my life, but I do admit, suicide thoughts are invisible to everyone but me. No one knows when they are in my brain and when they are not, but I. Sometimes I think that the thought of suicide is really a poisonous thought, that once it entered into my brain all those years ago, it's a weed, and the roots are to thick and deep to pull out. 

I'm sad about Robin Williams, and everyone who has this very unique blessing that enables us to give beautiful gifts to humanity. Maybe when you know someone who is creative, humorous, gifted and full of life, just remember, they are most likely tortured souls, and the best thing to do is to let them know how much you love them. Even more so, if they push you away. Sometimes, at least for me, I just need extra encouragement. I need other human beings to believe in me even when I fail and fall short. For me, I think because of this tormented soul condition, I need extra feedback of support from other humans, because I cannot build myself up, I have very little capacity to believe in myself. My trainer said I have a problem with "self loathing" He is probably correct. Yet, when others believe in me, I shine. I think us tortured soul people need positive feedback from others, and if we get a ton of negative feedback from others because of our mistakes, missteps and all common human behaviors, well, we crash. We go right into a pit of swirling thoughts that taunt us into thinking suicide is a good idea.

Terrified I am. I hope the day never comes for me that the swirling thoughts of the supposedly good idea takes me from you. It is old age that I want to die from. As vain as I am about wrinkles, I think I could get used to them. 



Update: So the news this week 11/12/14 is that Robin Williams had a hallucination condition that they can only find after looking at the brain,after death. I"m sadin to the fact that I cannot get the results of my brother's death and he died months before Mr. Robin Williams. I feel sad. Surely they will not do the same type of lab results on my brother as they did a famous person? They will not find anything significant as what they found on Mr. Williams. If they would ask me, I'd pay to find out.

I think this news is a justification for Robin Williams committing suicide. Be it may be true. If my brother committed suicide, well, who cares? They will never do the in depth report or in depth search they did on Mr.Williams nope, known abusers are worthless humans who do not deserve full research. I can bet you anything one day the report will come back on my brother, and my brothers death will be labeled either suicide or inconclusive. There will be no brain reports of hallucination.There will be no explanation of a losers death. It will be what they say. I am positive it won't be the same research as they did for Mr. Williams.