Why did I ban myself? Hmmm to tell the truth would be to expose myself, but I'm never shy about exposing myself. I always have this running thought in my head, that if I died tomorrow, I better just tell it like it is today, because who cares about judgement if you are dead? The problem I have is, that I always live on another day! Then I have to face the fact that I typed something in the realm of "Oh I might die" It's sort of a crazy philosophy to live by, but it's true. None of us knows when our death day will come.
The odd thing is, that if I think I could die tonight in my sleep, for some reason that gives me reason to say exactly what I want. But if I think I will live on, then I must hold back my thoughts?
We all do this. Hold back our thoughts, cause it might hurt someone or even worse "freak them out". I do have the tendency to freak people out. I do say many things, that well, most people hold back on.
15 Hours 25 Minutes
I woke up this morning in San Diego, and drove all the way home to Denver in one day. We left at 5:40 AM PCT and arrived in Denver at 11:15 PM Mountain time. It turned out to be more like 17 hours of driving. Horrible in thought, not as hard to do, if you really want to sleep in your own bed.
I went on a family vacation! To my family it was a vacation, but to me it was for one reason only. I had to put my brothers ashes in the ocean, as it was his request upon his death. He wanted half spread in the mountains, and half spread in the ocean. I chose San Diego as that is the city both him and I were born in. Mark had mentioned that he hoped to one day move to San Diego,but his life's end was in Mesa, Arizona. So I had to take him to San Diego, I had to bring him full circle home.
Ashes In The Ocean
Not only did I put Marks ashes in the Pacific Ocean, I also put my beloved pet Razzy with him. Razzy was the best dog I've ever had. He was so much like a human, Mark even noticed how human Razzy was. When my bother moved in with me and my family the last years of his life, the first thing he said was "I hate dogs". To me this was a shock as Mark and I grew up with a dog. "How could he hate dog's?" this made no sense to me. I knew one thing for sure, in a short amount of time, Razzy would have him in love with him.
Over just a few weeks, I saw Mark interacting with Razzy and it was beautiful. I couldn't understand why my bother developed a hatred for dogs,but Razzy was going to break him of that! I will never know why Mark hated dogs. I do know, that Razzy broke into his bitter heart and brought him into the world of loving a dog. Razzy passed away a year a few months before Mark. I had Razzy's ashes, so I thought for sure those two needed to be in the ocean together.
A Mind Break Needed
As sleepy as I am right now typing this, I'm happy to be back blogging. Not a one person has ever replied to my blog, yet I feel, like I'm talking to someone. Who ever you are who reads me and never talks to me, well, I feel you. I feel, I left you cold. Sorry about that. Yeah, I had some crazy mind shit going on, but I think the "family vacation" helped clear out some crap in my brain. I think laying my twin brother to rest in the ocean was freeing. I think I can go on now and get back to building my startup.
No comments:
Post a Comment