Waiting for the rejection email, is mildly disturbing to my soul. Dreamit has said they will let all teams know if they were a finalist or not today. Accelerators do not call them rejection emails, but all of us startup treps always feel a bit rejected when we find out our team did not make it. It's a grand hope shattered in a millisecond. Then you go on building or pivoting to something else. I've been checking email all day and no rejection email. Y Combinator sent their rejection email really late in the day, so there is still time to get rejected. ; - )
Today I spent the day helping one of our country's young veterans, Cody. I met Cody a few years ago and he did some work on my last startup DigiThin. He also is in my top ten list most popular stories Wrapping Your Head Around The Self Judgement Of Yourself Cody
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| Cody |
served in Afghanistan. Like me he has PTSD. We have helped each other in our quest to not suffer. A few weeks ago he was really down to the point of suicidal thoughts. I was there to talk him out of if. Yes he made it back alive, but he is set to be parentless at the age of twenty six. His mother came down with breast cancer while he was serving and he received leave, to come home and say goodbye to her before she passed. After his four years was up, his dad got brain cancer and as I type this, his dad lays on his deathbed. It's heart breaking.
Cody is struggling to find a job and he mentioned to me he was the most broke he had ever been in his life. I told him, I have a yard full of leaves you can come rake and I'll pay you. He was so happy to get a little work he showed up promptly. But then I told him, we have to go somewhere first. I have to show you something. I took him to Fort Logan National Cemetery. I showed him my dads grave and then Danny Dietz Jr's grave. Danny is one of the four men portrayed in the movie Lone Survivor. My husband and I know Danny's parents.
Danny's grave was beautiful. As every year, since he passed, his mother Cindy has placed a grave blanket made of Evergreen at Christmas time. Cody was inspired in his heart. He said, I've never
been to a cemetery like this, and I'm honored and humbled. I told him, that I always want to help our veterans, and there are a million causes out there to participate in or give money to, but that I just wanted to help one. I told him, that I'm adopting you as the one veteran I help the rest of my life. I said you made it back, and you have to know that means something. I'm your family and as long as I live you can count on me to help when you need help, listen when you need to vent, encourage when you are at your lowest. Laugh with you when life is good.
We returned to my house and Cody began working. It was an extraordinary warm day in Denver for December, sixty seven degrees! All along I would check my email for the Dreamit rejection email. No email all day. As I type this at 4:56 PM Denver time, still no email. I do not know why this bothers me so much. Who waits for a rejection email? I think inside of me I have 1% hope playing. It's sad I ought to have more faith in my team and idea,and I do, but it's hard getting into an accelerator, especially if you do not have traction. When I get the reject email, well, I can then move on in my mind. I won't be stuck in the waiting period. That's all.
I took Cody out to lunch, then filled up his gas tank. WOW gas prices are wonderful! $2.55 for premium and $2.25 for regular. AMAZING! I think it's time for a whole bunch of road trips! Maybe I should visit every national cemetery! I love cemeteries, they are filled will beautiful people. They are not sad to me at all. They are inspiring!
My guess is not many.
PTSD is a condition that torments the soul. Or the mind mostly. But it spreads into the soul of the person and makes life a F****** mess for that person, and the ones they love.
I would never want to admit I have it, cause of course, when the therapist said I had it, I said "That's for people in a war zone, you're so fucking wrong to label me with that!" Oh yeah, it's people who have to witness a murder, people who have to point the weapon and kill a teenager, it's for people who are tortured by others, oh that's me...... Tortured by others.
After my therapist told me point blank you have PTSD, I did not believe it truly for few more years. But I started looking at the shell of its idea. Really? Did some situation in life mess me up that bad? That makes me really angry. How could I have this problem? I'm normal for the most part, how the hell can someone's brutality to me, F*** me up so much? This makes no sense. I didn't go through the cruelty of a war zone. I did not have to hear the bullets buzz by my head, bombs go off nearby, and the threat of my life ending every second while on patrol. I did not get tortured that way.
I fully understand what it is. It's an evil root in one's soul, placed there by circumstance, or other human beings. Yep, that's it. Yet try to root it out of yourself and you're a failure. It's a poison that destroys the mind,and spreads into your system wreaking havoc of every relationship in your life.
Yeah, It's A Very Horrible Burden To Carry Around.
Oh, gulp, well, we don't want her as our founder. She's a messed up person! Yeah, you do! Cause I'm the one who see's what you cannot see. I'm the one who feels what you cannot feel. I'm the one who's trouble is actually a gift. I'm the one, who's going to cross the boundary where others will shy away. I'm the one, who's going to conquer PTSD. I'm the one who's going to build the startups, cause, well, there is nothing else to do in life, but to build something great for others.
I don't have the answer as to why some of us get PTSD, but I think it's because of the circumstance and that we are the people who FEEL. We are the people who care about others more than ourselves.
How Can You Get Over Your PTSD?
First, you have to recognize it. That was a big problem for me. I can't say exactly how to get over it. For me, my PTSD is a problem with triggers and repeating thoughts. I hate the repeating thoughts. They are useless to me. All they do is, repeat in my head, over and over, year after year. If the triggers to them are present, then the thoughts repeat constantly. If the trigger's, are seldom, it makes it easy on me, the thoughts stop or slow down and I can actually be free to be me. Oh, the freedom from, repeating thoughts of the torture, that's the day I desire. But this is not an easy problem to get over. For the military person, every thunderstorm is torture, every loud bang! How do we live our lives free of the triggers? For me, I'm trying to get the triggers out of my life, but it's not really possible. How does a military person make a thunderstorm stop? Were sorta fucked with this problem. Yep. How do we get over PTSD? I'm not sure, but I'm going to keep trying to find the answer. If I don't, the repeating thoughts will destroy me.
We May Have PTSD, But We Can Still Function In Society
I can still show up to my job with a smile. I can still create my ideas. I can still go to school, I can still be a mom. I can still build startups, I just can't get close to people. I cannot trust. And I can't free myself from the repeating thoughts. It's like having a bleeding cut inside the body. An endless flow of pain. It really sucks. We're still humans' and most of us with it can still function I society. So please don't ostracize us. We are very lovable. : - ) But don't expect a close relationship. You'll have to work for that.
When my twin brother was found dead in his apartment this past March my stress level went into some kind of G force, swirling tornado. Every stress I have in life is now heightened by his death, and the still waiting for the coroner's decision as to why he passed away.
I'll be doing homework or Startup work, and the thought of him dashes through my brain. Followed by "You never get to hang out with him again" thoughts. My heart sinks down a notch, while I try to gather myself and continue to work.
I don't know why, but my stress level is at an all time high. It's caused my PTSD to flare up with an intensity not to be matched with fire. An inferno of anger, sorrow, mixed with the desire to make it all stop.
I just really need a vacation from my mind and soul. But those two are with me no matter where I go. My Brother Mark
Persistence
One of the things I have learned from reading Paul Graham essays is, founders are the ones who give their startup the push to get the traction, to take it to the next level. Founders make it happen.
Founders get down and dirty, and do things they never dreamed of doing, discovering things they never thought possible about themselves, and the ones who don't give up the push, well, they are the ones who have a better chance at making it.
I have the persistence, I'm not giving up ever. Even when I have many days that I think I should do just that. I have already decided that if I don't give up I'll be successful. Yet it's not an easy road, it's painful at times, and sometimes it's extremly painful. Then you add in all the regular life shit on top of that, and your pretty fucked in the mind.
Pain
Some of us Entrepreneurs suffer from depression. I have my episodes with that, but it's not usually to much or to long. The problem I have is PTSD.
PTSD
I did not know that I had PTSD for years, until one day when I went to a therapist for another reason, she pointed out all the issues that proves I have it. Uggg, no way man! You are crazy I told her! I was pretty sure PTSD was only for people who have been in war zones, and seen, and participated in some pretty damn serious shit. So don't label me with that honor, cause I don't have it!
Gulp, after further research and thought, oh yeah when you can't get repeating memories out of your head, that's a sign. When something triggers a thought, and anxiety fills your chest and the thoughts flood your mind, that's a sign. I hate it. It's just a burden of thoughts that torture me.
I have done my stints in therapy for it. Tonight I drove up to Boulder to try out a PTSD support group. Why, why, why am I still suffering from this crap, I asked myself as I drove up from Denver. My answer was, because all the bullies that dished out their bull on me never apologized! Of course I forgave all of them years ago, but the thoughts won't leave my head until they say they are sorry for bullying me, or I never see their sorry asses again. One of the two things have to happen.
Fat chance on a bully saying they are sorry. So it's time for me to cut them out of my life. I'm done. There will be no more bully of me ever! So fuck you past bullies in my life. And that goes for any future bullies, that think they can do it to me again, because I have changed, and you won't be able to pull your torture crap on me again. You are scum. People who do cruelty to others on purpose are losers!
Pushing
I am in the push phase of my startup. It is extremly hard. For any trep not at or never having done this stage, it's probably the stage that will test you the most. Especially if you are like me at this stage and running on a very thin line of cash flow. Here I am searching for how to find money and push my little tiny start up with virtually nothing, my brother dies, and the PTSD flairs up. As if I really need a big dose of torture thoughts! Isn't that fucking lovely?
Well that's life in my startup, and nothing is stopping me, even if I run out of money, I will find a way. Because my payback to all bullies is this: I'm turning all the pain you heaped on me into something positive to help others.
