Persistence
One of the things I have learned from reading Paul Graham essays is, founders are the ones who give their startup the push to get the traction, to take it to the next level. Founders make it happen.
Founders get down and dirty, and do things they never dreamed of doing, discovering things they never thought possible about themselves, and the ones who don't give up the push, well, they are the ones who have a better chance at making it.
I have the persistence, I'm not giving up ever. Even when I have many days that I think I should do just that. I have already decided that if I don't give up I'll be successful. Yet it's not an easy road, it's painful at times, and sometimes it's extremly painful. Then you add in all the regular life shit on top of that, and your pretty fucked in the mind.
Pain
Some of us Entrepreneurs suffer from depression. I have my episodes with that, but it's not usually to much or to long. The problem I have is PTSD.
PTSD
I did not know that I had PTSD for years, until one day when I went to a therapist for another reason, she pointed out all the issues that proves I have it. Uggg, no way man! You are crazy I told her! I was pretty sure PTSD was only for people who have been in war zones, and seen, and participated in some pretty damn serious shit. So don't label me with that honor, cause I don't have it!
Gulp, after further research and thought, oh yeah when you can't get repeating memories out of your head, that's a sign. When something triggers a thought, and anxiety fills your chest and the thoughts flood your mind, that's a sign. I hate it. It's just a burden of thoughts that torture me.
I have done my stints in therapy for it. Tonight I drove up to Boulder to try out a PTSD support group. Why, why, why am I still suffering from this crap, I asked myself as I drove up from Denver. My answer was, because all the bullies that dished out their bull on me never apologized! Of course I forgave all of them years ago, but the thoughts won't leave my head until they say they are sorry for bullying me, or I never see their sorry asses again. One of the two things have to happen.
Fat chance on a bully saying they are sorry. So it's time for me to cut them out of my life. I'm done. There will be no more bully of me ever! So fuck you past bullies in my life. And that goes for any future bullies, that think they can do it to me again, because I have changed, and you won't be able to pull your torture crap on me again. You are scum. People who do cruelty to others on purpose are losers!
Pushing
I am in the push phase of my startup. It is extremly hard. For any trep not at or never having done this stage, it's probably the stage that will test you the most. Especially if you are like me at this stage and running on a very thin line of cash flow. Here I am searching for how to find money and push my little tiny start up with virtually nothing, my brother dies, and the PTSD flairs up. As if I really need a big dose of torture thoughts! Isn't that fucking lovely?
Well that's life in my startup, and nothing is stopping me, even if I run out of money, I will find a way. Because my payback to all bullies is this: I'm turning all the pain you heaped on me into something positive to help others.
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