I think my world stopped. The death of many loved ones, injury, and the lost hope in myself. It was to much to go on. I crumpled up, and became the nothingness of worthlessness. I haven't been alive, though I am alive.
For me, I am a self punish'er. If I make a mistake in life, I beat myself up. It all started when I let my parents down. If they were disappointed in me, well I punished myself worse then they ever would. I guess I wanted to show them that I was wrong, and by punishing myself mentally I somehow felt justice was done. I couldn't just simple say I'm sorry, I was wrong, and get back to living. No, I had to inflict the worst judgement upon myself; and thus created a lifelong struggle.
Why did this happen? How can a child decide they should punish themselves because they fail? They make a mistake? We all make mistakes almost daily. Most certainly I should learn forgiveness. Forgive myself. It should be easy. Hmm, it's so hard. I wish I was not the punish'er of myself. Others would be more kind. But yet I'm fighting a monster. Cruelty towards ourselves is not normal, unless we have the monster.
I'd like to be back, posting on this blog more often. I'd like to be back slipping into the easy. Living life without the struggle. Yet maybe us treps, artist, painters, creators, well we just got the monster, and without it we'd be the others, those people we date and marry. Those people who never suffer the fight against the monster. Those people who don't understand the monster. We wouldn't self punish, but we also would not invent products, write novels, paint masterpieces,build amazing code. No we couldn't be the things we are without the monster. I should learn to love the monster, cause without it, I could not create. I'd be an "other"
I don't know if I'm back - but I hope I am ~
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