Then I had my run in with the swat team, but it was not my time. Today we travel to North Platte, Nebraska to go to his Grandad's funeral. Sad, but not really because he lived a long life.
The other looming death is my husbands only sister's husband. Yesterday was their two year wedding anniversary. It was almost nine months after they were married baby Arielle came along, and a beautiful young family was growing. Just two months after the baby's birth Rob had a back ache that would not go away. Upon getting an xray, the monster cancer inside is chest was revealed.
Today Rob posted this on Facebook:Rob Proctor
This past week was ultra scary. It's been a little over three months now since I stopped chemo in order to try alternative protocols until I found one to work to shrink it. Over the past few weeks is the first time that I have actually felt the tumors by touch. I feel a large one coming out of my chest, a large one out of the back and more underneath my armpit-shall on my left side. The pain had also been getting to the unbearable state. I've been implementing a lot of cannabis oil to help with pain, but most of the time the cannabis oil nor the heavy narcotics would do much to help it. Last Tuesday I felt the need to get a CT scan due to feeling the rapid growth inside my body, terrible pain and an increased difficulty breathing. The scan was a bad report, showing lots of spreading of additional tumors, fluid around my heart and another almost totally collapsed lung, etc. I went to the hospital this morning in an attempt to get some pain relief and left hours later with some relief, an oxygen tank and then later in the day oxygen system installed in the house since I'm not getting enough.
Tomorrow is a busy day for Sara Proctor and I to find an oncologist here in Colorado who specializes in synovial sarcoma and is educated experientially with trials and cutting edge things to do to remove it. So far, no one wants or no one can shrink it and remove it what is in my body. We haven't been able to find anyone here up until this point, but I'm really wanting to stay home in Colorado. If anyone knows what it's like traveling out of state for cancer treatments they may have an idea of why I just want to be close to home.
I don't know how much time I have to live, and it feels like the end is coming upon me quickly. I ask for prayer for my wife and for my little girl. I am wanting that Papa will take care of them in a precious way, being able to saturate them with the love I was meant to give them. I'm also seeking to let go of my life here on earth in order to be at peace.
I'm very sad today behind words I just can not describe and beyond the false comforts that are typically in place in times like these when I assume someone or someone's concepts will fix everything all up, making everything all better. That person exist and that theme cannot apply to my situation Its now about letting go of this world and answering the new questions that will lead me out of permanent self pity and into peace and contentment. Good night for now.
I don't know....I just don't know. My heart is broken all kinds of ways. It's been a really hard 2014. I'm still suffering the grief of my twin brothers death last March. Still waiting for the coroner's report as to why. Yes, death surrounds me. A long life, and a young life waiting in the balance of fate................... ; - (
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