Thursday, October 15, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Hell Warmed Over
Oh, I'll take a second helping of that super spicy dish named Hell. It's so good I could eat it warmed over a campfire.
Flavors of this summer are roasting on a stick. My two worlds are colliding, and reeking pain all over, like the free flowing smell of skunk weed on my city. I'm alive,I'm dead. My body walks into nightmares and expects smiles.
Good laughs at me, and evil takes the wheel. Is my hope annihilated? I don't know.....
Flavors of this summer are roasting on a stick. My two worlds are colliding, and reeking pain all over, like the free flowing smell of skunk weed on my city. I'm alive,I'm dead. My body walks into nightmares and expects smiles.
Good laughs at me, and evil takes the wheel. Is my hope annihilated? I don't know.....
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Injecting The Entrepreneur Desire
This is my first draft of a book I'm writing with an Egyptian friend of mine. Not sure what it's to be about, It's another way to create. It's not edited. Of course you know, I suck at grammar, even when edited.
Injecting The Entrepreneur Desire
Standing
with my lanky skinny eleven year old body in the south doorway of our
kitchen, I watched my dad struggle to open a bottle of pills. I do
not know what kind of medicine it was, but my father needed it.
He opened it, and announced “who ever invented putting cotton inside
the bottle made a million dollars” My forehead wrinkled in thought.
I stood there watching him, saying nothing to him, wondering, how can
someone make a million dollars putting cotton into a pill bottle?
I'm
eleven years old, and the meaning of money was not misunderstood to
me, as the lack of it was our daily living. It was 1972 and we were
living the middle class dream, well, sort of. I wouldn't say we were
the lower class poor, but we barely scratching by as middle class
Americans. We were a family with six children and two parents who
didn't go to college. Two parents who found what ever job they could
to support the family and my fathers drinking habit. We had our
secrets, and shame was the top of the list. My mother hid it best she
could.
So
this is the day that the dreaded 'American Dream' entered my body
though my ears with the wonderment of what my father had announced.
Someone had made millions of dollars by inventing the idea of putting
cotton into a bottle! Hallelujah!
Surly
I ran off to scream and play with the neighborhood kids carrying the
dream tucked into my mind to entice, drive and torment me throughout
my life.
Childhood
was fun, sometimes. Mostly it was painful for me. I was born
different as my mother had told me one day. She said “all the
children came along” as she slashed the air with her hand counting
each child, and then came me, and the slash stopped short. “You
were different”. What that meant to me was, that I was difficult. I
was a trouble for the family. I couldn't go along with their will's,
I had to follow mine. My almost twin brother Mark, suffered because
he witnessed my suffering. He hated himself the moment he had to turn
on me and bully me because he didn't want to go against the majority.
I'm almost positive his life’s destruction was because of the
messed up cruelty children do to each other. Children do not know how
to treat each other, or at least the ones who have no parents around.
Monday, August 10, 2015
A Treps Stale Bag Of Chips
I don't know how to make it better. What better? Oh, the misery that keeps attacking me, blind siding me, and pretending to be NORMAL. Repeating questions,and wondering why I have to keep repeating the answers. It's simple to me. Do it, or don't. The past is only a reference of how we fucked up, or did something good. It's not the place holder for how we should do it now.
You haven't noticed that I've grown up in all kinds of ways. I hit the age where my brain changed. With you, it's still some kind of loop...repeating. I'm not into repeating. How long have you known me? I like to create. I like to invent. I like to dream. I like to do.
There is no repeat the same old shit with me. That's boring and useless. Did repeating get us anywhere? I want to vomit out all this same old conversation. Didn't you notice it's useless? And not beautiful?
It's painful to keep repeating. That's why I'm a innovated thinker. New discovery is the bridge to love. The bridge to mend. The bridge where we can look over,toss our smiles into it, and know we conquered our evil.
You haven't noticed that I've grown up in all kinds of ways. I hit the age where my brain changed. With you, it's still some kind of loop...repeating. I'm not into repeating. How long have you known me? I like to create. I like to invent. I like to dream. I like to do.
There is no repeat the same old shit with me. That's boring and useless. Did repeating get us anywhere? I want to vomit out all this same old conversation. Didn't you notice it's useless? And not beautiful?
It's painful to keep repeating. That's why I'm a innovated thinker. New discovery is the bridge to love. The bridge to mend. The bridge where we can look over,toss our smiles into it, and know we conquered our evil.
I'm not into the stale bag of chips......
Sunday, July 19, 2015
The Dream Continues To Torment
Hollowness captures me. I'm empty. I have no startup achievements to boast about. I have nothing exciting to move forward with. My world of hope has been taken from me.
It's a misery I do not want. Sure I could get out of it. I am the one who decides what to do in life....or am I?
You see no startup is a worthless idea. I am not able to chase mine the way I want to. I have other responsibilities, to people I love. Probably the reason the accelerators ask: "Do you have a family?" Ahhhggg, if I didn't have a family, I wouldn't be building something for humanity. I wouldn't know what humanity was otherwise.
My plans were to be further along by now. In my trep head, I'm way behind schedule. I turn to my steadfast belief that if the traffic is at a standstill and I cannot make it to my appointment, that, my life was saved. Because if the traffic had been moving, surly I would have been in a fatal accident. Yeah, this is some kind of self motivational sick psychology I play on myself, attempting to justify the truth, that maybe I'm no entrepreneur. If I should be labeled just an "Idea" or just a "dreamer" than that's failure to me. I'm dying inside of myself while I play the life game. This is not who I want to be. Ahhh this torment is tormenting me! I'm like my son's artwork, hovering above my pond, wanting to capture my dream, frozen permanently in chaos of the to do list.
It's a misery I do not want. Sure I could get out of it. I am the one who decides what to do in life....or am I?
You see no startup is a worthless idea. I am not able to chase mine the way I want to. I have other responsibilities, to people I love. Probably the reason the accelerators ask: "Do you have a family?" Ahhhggg, if I didn't have a family, I wouldn't be building something for humanity. I wouldn't know what humanity was otherwise.
My plans were to be further along by now. In my trep head, I'm way behind schedule. I turn to my steadfast belief that if the traffic is at a standstill and I cannot make it to my appointment, that, my life was saved. Because if the traffic had been moving, surly I would have been in a fatal accident. Yeah, this is some kind of self motivational sick psychology I play on myself, attempting to justify the truth, that maybe I'm no entrepreneur. If I should be labeled just an "Idea" or just a "dreamer" than that's failure to me. I'm dying inside of myself while I play the life game. This is not who I want to be. Ahhh this torment is tormenting me! I'm like my son's artwork, hovering above my pond, wanting to capture my dream, frozen permanently in chaos of the to do list.
 |
| Simon painted this in high school |
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
The Crappy Life Of A Struggling Entrepreneur: Who Cares?
Pretty much it's failure. Have I really become so comfortable with it? Success in any area of my life is always short, happy, and gone quickly. I suppose if I have success someday I will be in shock and die of heart failure.
Right now I'm in my worst season. Summer. I should be happy for the warm days, rain, beautiful flowers and time to go camping, hiking, and dirt bike riding. Yet, summer for me is double my work load. The household chores pile up like the ant hills being built outside by the earths mystery of 'where do they live all winter?
Yeah, I could just let it all go, but that would mean losing money in home ownership. A run down property is less valuable. Not that I want to sell, but hey, I take care of my investments.
I don't know, really right now I'd like to break out in a million curse words. I'd like God to take away my desire to build some startup. I'm not only long shot startup girl, I'm probably the least likely ever to succeed at it. Still, I continue, even when regular life becomes a burden. What am I supposed to be doing? This search to find life's purpose isn't easy. It's painful. I wish God was clear as to what he wants me to do,cause all these roads are dead ends that never end.
Right now I'm in my worst season. Summer. I should be happy for the warm days, rain, beautiful flowers and time to go camping, hiking, and dirt bike riding. Yet, summer for me is double my work load. The household chores pile up like the ant hills being built outside by the earths mystery of 'where do they live all winter?
I don't know, really right now I'd like to break out in a million curse words. I'd like God to take away my desire to build some startup. I'm not only long shot startup girl, I'm probably the least likely ever to succeed at it. Still, I continue, even when regular life becomes a burden. What am I supposed to be doing? This search to find life's purpose isn't easy. It's painful. I wish God was clear as to what he wants me to do,cause all these roads are dead ends that never end.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
The Greatest Graphics Interpreter Of Your Mind
If you have a startup, and you are not artistically gifted, you most likely will need a graphics person or a company to design your logo among other things. I remember designing my own logo, and my WordPress teacher Greg said "Uh------- No" Greg is great at spotting crap and telling you it's just that. Greg also lead me to Sultan of Pixel Pickers.
Sultan is the greatest business artist in the world. He may not be well known right now, but he will be. This man is not after your money. Sure he wants to be paid. He has a family to support in a country that is not economically blessed like the USA. Yet this man loves to create, just like you treps do. He loves to create your vision. My interaction with him has shown me how honest he is, and how he works.
Sultan listens to what you want. He doesn't waste any time on some tangent of what 'the designer wants.' You see I've had other other graphic companies do work for me, and what is the number one thing they do? They take the name or idea you want, and make it into the design in their mind. Sultan is an interpreter of your mind. You tell him what you want. You describe this detailed vision in your mind and that's what he gives you. It's sort of mind blowing. I mean that's what us entrepreneurs want and need, but it rarely happens. We need people who can interpreter our ideas and make them real. Not the vision they think it should be, but the vision in our heads. That's Sultan. He delivers your vision right to you. Oh, yeah, it will totally freak you out, because you are used to people getting it wrong most of the time, and you succumb because you think you have made them make to many revisions. Sultan is so gifted that you will most likely not make any revisions, and if you do, it will only be a few minor things. That's how good he is. Truly he is a man oozing with talent and those who hire him will be the lucky ones, like I am. Enjoy his gift.
Here is a look at the logo's he has done, but keep in mind that he also does animations, interior designs and other things. Just ask him.
Even More
Email me with question jana@passdownapp.com
Friday, June 19, 2015
I'll Take Orange, Not Root Beer
Our family drove about six blocks on a hot summer day to A and W root beer. It was a shabby drive in root beer stand. Pretty run down, my family loved it. They loved root beer floats in the summer.
This family tradition was one I did not like. I tasted root beer, and to me it tasted exactly like it's name. Root's with beer. Surly I had done that a million times in the backyard playground. Stick your face in mud, add water, and suck and you have root beer! I didn't like it. As a grown up I tried this special pop again, and still it tasted just like it's name. Dirty roots with beer.
Problem was, I'd ask for an orange pop and my family just tore me to shreds because I didn't like what they like. They would put me down because I had to be 'special' to request an orange pop. They delighted in the root beer float and they thought I should too. Plus the fact that they wanted to purchase some special gallon root beer float special that we all could share. With me requesting a small orange soda, well that was a horrible thing to do. If I can't go along with them, than I'm a loser.
This could be the sum of my childhood. As much as they thought that I was trying to be different they were wrong. I just didn't like root beer. Still don't.
Sometimes I think my quest to invent something people want is only a self centered desire to prove that I'm not a loser. If I just had one special thing that I could do well at. If I succeeded at something that these root beer loving bullies could not succeed at, well then I'd be an orange success! I'd finally be a worthy person.
Is this what all my entrepreneur desires are for? Am I just attempting to prove to my childhood family that I am not a loser? Is my entire life based on a family outing that I did not surrender my preference to?
It probably is. If I do not succeed at something then my family wins. The label they gave me will be true. I guess I'll invent Orange Cheer Floats. The drink that makes every loser a winner! ; - )
Don't give up. Building startups win or lose, is better than root beer bullies.
This family tradition was one I did not like. I tasted root beer, and to me it tasted exactly like it's name. Root's with beer. Surly I had done that a million times in the backyard playground. Stick your face in mud, add water, and suck and you have root beer! I didn't like it. As a grown up I tried this special pop again, and still it tasted just like it's name. Dirty roots with beer.
Problem was, I'd ask for an orange pop and my family just tore me to shreds because I didn't like what they like. They would put me down because I had to be 'special' to request an orange pop. They delighted in the root beer float and they thought I should too. Plus the fact that they wanted to purchase some special gallon root beer float special that we all could share. With me requesting a small orange soda, well that was a horrible thing to do. If I can't go along with them, than I'm a loser.
This could be the sum of my childhood. As much as they thought that I was trying to be different they were wrong. I just didn't like root beer. Still don't.
Sometimes I think my quest to invent something people want is only a self centered desire to prove that I'm not a loser. If I just had one special thing that I could do well at. If I succeeded at something that these root beer loving bullies could not succeed at, well then I'd be an orange success! I'd finally be a worthy person.
Is this what all my entrepreneur desires are for? Am I just attempting to prove to my childhood family that I am not a loser? Is my entire life based on a family outing that I did not surrender my preference to?
It probably is. If I do not succeed at something then my family wins. The label they gave me will be true. I guess I'll invent Orange Cheer Floats. The drink that makes every loser a winner! ; - )
Don't give up. Building startups win or lose, is better than root beer bullies.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Sad: Entrepreneur Con Men Get Traction Easy
This last fourteen months have been very sad for me. Tonight I'm sad about my sister in law and my friends sister. Both of the sisters are following a false prophet. They are under religious mind control by evil people who are only seeking fame, and of course a whole lot of money for themselves off the backs of their victims.
I don't how I got so lucky to have been blessed with discernment. First of all I owe all my lucky brains to God. He gave this gift to me. Second I owe it to my mother who was raised by her Pastor father, and he taught her the truth. So she passed it on to me. One of the discernment things she taught me was those two people who knock on the front door. Jehovah's Witnesses. One summer day when I was a tween I had opened the door. I could have cared less about what they wanted me to think. I felt that they just wanted money so I gave them a quarter. They came back time and time again and only asked for me. My mother set me straight about these matters. We have to discern!
Twisted scripture, it's always subtle. The bible con artist craft the truth with just a hit of lies and they suck people in like magnets. Geez, I struggle along as a failure entrepreneur. I could rake in the cash if I just wanted to be evil, greedy,manipulative,self seeking mind controller, or super self centered. I'd rather not. I'd rather be a struggling startup building and never be a success than preach a lie to people just to take there, time, money, and soul.
The one thing that really bugs me about these fake christian evangelist, is that they know how to get Traction. Oh yeah just look at these super mega Churches. Joel Osteen's church is as big as a sports arena. It really sucks to see these liars getting traction like it's as easy as spreading butter.
I've had a few friends over the years join religious cults. One is still in and has been for ten years or more now. These two sisters, I'm sad. Both of them are ripe candidates for mind control. I think they will be in a long time. Maybe they will never get out.
To spend your life being fooled that your following Jesus, but your just following lies. What a sorrow ~
*They are following Bethel Church in Redding CA, and it's sister church Bridgeway in Denver. Bill Johnson is the head in Redding.
Beware!
I don't how I got so lucky to have been blessed with discernment. First of all I owe all my lucky brains to God. He gave this gift to me. Second I owe it to my mother who was raised by her Pastor father, and he taught her the truth. So she passed it on to me. One of the discernment things she taught me was those two people who knock on the front door. Jehovah's Witnesses. One summer day when I was a tween I had opened the door. I could have cared less about what they wanted me to think. I felt that they just wanted money so I gave them a quarter. They came back time and time again and only asked for me. My mother set me straight about these matters. We have to discern!
Twisted scripture, it's always subtle. The bible con artist craft the truth with just a hit of lies and they suck people in like magnets. Geez, I struggle along as a failure entrepreneur. I could rake in the cash if I just wanted to be evil, greedy,manipulative,self seeking mind controller, or super self centered. I'd rather not. I'd rather be a struggling startup building and never be a success than preach a lie to people just to take there, time, money, and soul.
 |
| The Frozen Soul |
The one thing that really bugs me about these fake christian evangelist, is that they know how to get Traction. Oh yeah just look at these super mega Churches. Joel Osteen's church is as big as a sports arena. It really sucks to see these liars getting traction like it's as easy as spreading butter.
I've had a few friends over the years join religious cults. One is still in and has been for ten years or more now. These two sisters, I'm sad. Both of them are ripe candidates for mind control. I think they will be in a long time. Maybe they will never get out.
To spend your life being fooled that your following Jesus, but your just following lies. What a sorrow ~
*They are following Bethel Church in Redding CA, and it's sister church Bridgeway in Denver. Bill Johnson is the head in Redding.
Beware!
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
There Is A Lot Of Game Left:In Your Startup
Watching game six I am. I don't really follow any sport, but I happen upon it when I turn on the tube and there it is. Seems like I've been landing on all these basketball games towards the end. This time I got an entire half instead of just the last six minutes, pretty exciting. I'm rooting for Golden State. Why, not really sure, but I like Curry because of all those shots he makes with ease. The thing about him is, he has the Sawyer Frederick's appeal. He looks so kind, gentle, innocent,nonthreatening, and yet delivers the goods.
I do not know which coach yelled out "there is a lot of game left" but someone did. It got me thinking about the timeline to success for a startup. All the successful ones seem to have fast timelines, and after all that is the jest of the name startup. It's supposed to be able to grow fast, once it takes off. But what about all of us who build them and give up too soon? Yeah, I know you did it. I've done it many times. I gave up too soon. Well, we may think our company a startup, but until it hits the grow fast stage, we should not worry if were not on track, or not a startup. If you haven't hit fast growth, or any growth. There is a lot of game left. Giving up will surly net you a loss. Continuing on your path will lead to learning, and maybe you will get your growth or success. But you won't know if you quit too soon. The problem is, when is the time to quit? When is to soon?
Surprising to me I quit my last startup too soon. My excuse was that it was costing me cash to keep it up and running with no income, and that I could start it up again in the future if I wanted to. Those two things are true. I can start it up again. But right now, it's toast and Passdown is the butter I chase.
The game on t.v. is getting exciting and I think GS is going to win the title. If we think of our startups as a one season opportunity, well, if you don't win the title you take the off season off, and startup again.
YEAH! Golden State won!
*I'll fix typo's and add pics in a bit! Celebrating with GS now!
40 years since Golden State has won the championship. Will you go that long in your startup?
40 years since Golden State has won the championship. Will you go that long in your startup?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Confessions Of A Christian Entrepreneur
Confession: That special word that perks ears up. It's the best word in the world to use, if you want someone to listen to you.
Who wouldn't drop everything to listen to someones confession? After all a confession is usually something really juicy, packed full of mind blowing knowledge of the down and dirty list of the confessor. He he he he he he
I became a Christian at the age of 24. My parents told me when I was 12, that I would live my entire life by the age of 21. I was overdoing life. I consumed it as much as possible. My parents were not that far off. By 24 I had attempted suicide a few times, as I was done with living. I remember thinking 'What do you do when the party is over?' I thought it was death. There was nothing else in life to do, as I believed I had done it all! I hadn't become a Christian, so to save my life, I searched out this God people talked about.
Of course I felt all the creepy jeepy feelings you may think of when you hear the word Jesus or God. Those words are so perfectly not a party. Even though He is perfect, and He is a party. Since I was (and still am) a pretty wild woman, my walk with the Lord was horrible. I'd get mad at Him all the time. I'd tell Him off for all the problems I struggled with, including my choices, physical problems, job problems, people problems, and the never ending anger list.
My confession is: For 29 years I've lived in a miserable walk with the Lord. I had nothing good to tell a non believer. In fact, I didn't want anyone to know I was a Christian, because they would never be interested in Him if they saw my walk. I did not want to be the reason a person turned away. I called myself "A Lousy Christian" I was worthless at it.
Here is the thing. We all will be worthless at it. None of us can ever be a perfect Christian or perfect human. All my struggles to be a better person, to be free of anger, hatred, hopelessness, worthlessness, foul language, evil doings... these things prove to me that this man they call Jesus is real. In fact every single struggle I have ever had, is in the Bible. When I read it, I'm in awe. There it is in black and white, my life written around two thousand years ago! Yours too. In Hebrews 2:1 it says: So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard, or we may drift away from it. NLT. This is what happened to me time and time again. I drifted away, but I never was not a Christian. I just sucked at it. Pretty much how I suck as an Entrepreneur. Both of these things have immense challenges, so many in fact, that I drift away.
The one thing I can tell you as a "Lousy Christian" and "Suck Ass Entrepreneur" is I go with the truth. For some reason the Lord gave me the gift of discernment. At times the false religions, false doctrine, false followers,false teachers, try to suck me in. Even if I go with them a few weeks, I always smell the lies. I always seem to know what sound Christian Doctrine is, even if I don't think I'm good at doctrine. I'm grateful for this this gift.
If you are not a Christian let me warn you. If you ever choose to seek Jesus or God, there are more than you can stand false organizations out there ready to reel you in. You see by twisting what the Bible says by just a little, these types of organizations can trick you, so they can make big bucks. They cash in on your miserable life. They tell you what you want to hear, they make you feel so good! It's not the truth, it's a lie. If you ask me, if you're going to follow some Creepy Jeepy Jesus, well, it better be the truth, not the fake shit spewing lies of false hope. It's rampant out there, so be careful.
So that's it, my confession, I'm a Lousy Christian! and I am completely happy to be that, because I know, I know the truth. I do know a ton about doctrine. I do know the struggle to walk the walk. I don't care if my walk is not pretty, not decorated with sweet words. Not emulating an amazing successful Christian, who appears to be so perfect and pure. No, I'm a sinner who has been forgiven by the death of the most amazing man, Jesus. Yes, I will still sin, but I will sin less as I walk with Him. I will be His servant even if I appear to be rough, crazy, wild, lonely, sad, angry, hopeless, ignorant,annoying, self centered,depressed,suicidal,and worthless.
Like Yodi, we must pause with our questions and wait instruction.
Oh Lord ~
Who wouldn't drop everything to listen to someones confession? After all a confession is usually something really juicy, packed full of mind blowing knowledge of the down and dirty list of the confessor. He he he he he he
I became a Christian at the age of 24. My parents told me when I was 12, that I would live my entire life by the age of 21. I was overdoing life. I consumed it as much as possible. My parents were not that far off. By 24 I had attempted suicide a few times, as I was done with living. I remember thinking 'What do you do when the party is over?' I thought it was death. There was nothing else in life to do, as I believed I had done it all! I hadn't become a Christian, so to save my life, I searched out this God people talked about.
Of course I felt all the creepy jeepy feelings you may think of when you hear the word Jesus or God. Those words are so perfectly not a party. Even though He is perfect, and He is a party. Since I was (and still am) a pretty wild woman, my walk with the Lord was horrible. I'd get mad at Him all the time. I'd tell Him off for all the problems I struggled with, including my choices, physical problems, job problems, people problems, and the never ending anger list.
My confession is: For 29 years I've lived in a miserable walk with the Lord. I had nothing good to tell a non believer. In fact, I didn't want anyone to know I was a Christian, because they would never be interested in Him if they saw my walk. I did not want to be the reason a person turned away. I called myself "A Lousy Christian" I was worthless at it.
Here is the thing. We all will be worthless at it. None of us can ever be a perfect Christian or perfect human. All my struggles to be a better person, to be free of anger, hatred, hopelessness, worthlessness, foul language, evil doings... these things prove to me that this man they call Jesus is real. In fact every single struggle I have ever had, is in the Bible. When I read it, I'm in awe. There it is in black and white, my life written around two thousand years ago! Yours too. In Hebrews 2:1 it says: So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard, or we may drift away from it. NLT. This is what happened to me time and time again. I drifted away, but I never was not a Christian. I just sucked at it. Pretty much how I suck as an Entrepreneur. Both of these things have immense challenges, so many in fact, that I drift away.
If you are not a Christian let me warn you. If you ever choose to seek Jesus or God, there are more than you can stand false organizations out there ready to reel you in. You see by twisting what the Bible says by just a little, these types of organizations can trick you, so they can make big bucks. They cash in on your miserable life. They tell you what you want to hear, they make you feel so good! It's not the truth, it's a lie. If you ask me, if you're going to follow some Creepy Jeepy Jesus, well, it better be the truth, not the fake shit spewing lies of false hope. It's rampant out there, so be careful.
So that's it, my confession, I'm a Lousy Christian! and I am completely happy to be that, because I know, I know the truth. I do know a ton about doctrine. I do know the struggle to walk the walk. I don't care if my walk is not pretty, not decorated with sweet words. Not emulating an amazing successful Christian, who appears to be so perfect and pure. No, I'm a sinner who has been forgiven by the death of the most amazing man, Jesus. Yes, I will still sin, but I will sin less as I walk with Him. I will be His servant even if I appear to be rough, crazy, wild, lonely, sad, angry, hopeless, ignorant,annoying, self centered,depressed,suicidal,and worthless.
Like Yodi, we must pause with our questions and wait instruction.
Oh Lord ~
Monday, May 25, 2015
The Dead People Say Thank You
Today was the first time in many years we did not go camping on the Memorial day weekend in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. There was a young woman, whom is a regular in our camping group and she was graduating High School! So we stayed home this year to celebrate with her and her family.
This opened up the opportunity for me and my husband to have BBQ lunch at my 88 year old mother's place today. She lives in a community for the retired. It was just Luke, I and my mother and it was a superb lunch. Everything you would want to eat on a beginning of summer holiday.
After the lunch we asked mom if she wanted to go to Fort Logan National Cemetery and put flowers on her husbands grave. My father passed away 37 years ago. My mother has lived a long time without him. She said yes, even though she is blind now.
We drove to the alley of our house and picked some flowers from a large flowering bush. Then we drove out. I've never gone to Fort Logan on a holiday, and it was packed. But we got in and out easy. My mother did not walk to his grave as it's very hard for her to walk. She can't see it anyway, but she felt complete after we had placed the flowers. To her it's something important that she did on her own for many years.
I took a bunch of pictures. I loaded them into the pc and I was surprised! I think all the dead people have something to tell us today. I have not photo shopped these pictures. I was going to, but I saw the glow. I saw the aura above the tombstones. Well you tell me, what do you think? Are these tombstones glowing on the top? I'd say they were really happy so many people came to visit them. They love Memorial day.They love visitors!
Saturday, May 23, 2015
My Fast and Slow Startup
In the startup world fast seems to be the name of the game for the winner. The one who makes their startup successful did it fast! All of us startup builders have this worry that someone is going to beat us to the finish line. So we have to hurry in what we build.
Yep, some unknown company has been building the exact same thing as us and they just happen to have a bit more luck and cash and that's it, we are toast! It's like Shakephears Much Ado About Nothing. We make a fuss about our progress because investors, accelerators and others do. It doesn't occur to any of them that we are making progress. We want the startup cupid to deliver! We want love splashing all over us. We want to show those who believed in us that we are in love. We are potential successful's!
Since we feel so strongly that our product or service is prime, we don't want anyone stealing that from us. Ugg, gulp, keep building super fast we do.
To me fastness made me hurry and sometimes make reckless choices. I've learned it's not fast that breeds success. It's either bailing early if the idea is bunk or staying the coarse, which is usually slow.
With Passdown it started out FAST. I hardly had the idea out of my head and I was sucked into publicly speaking about it. People were amazed with joy and made comments like "wow, I never thought of that". I was on some super fast roller coaster, and that ended in two minutes.
For many months since the start, it's been a slow startup. So slow that I wondered often, is this something I should build? I've gone to every dark tunnel of this startup. I found all the dead ends. Then I stood there and reminded myself that I'm only going to the next milestone. If I cannot take it to the next milestone than this startup is dead. I'll kill it and move on. I will not waste time on something people do not want.
The last few days has been great for my startup. Not publicly, but building wise. My brain finally found the answers to many problems that my startup faces. It unleashed all these answers to me in a pleasant, 'here you go' I shake my head in disbelief. All this time I have struggled with one big issue and now the answer comes. Simple it seems, but it's was the barrier I was facing, if I couldn't get over it, then this startup was to be buried. Now it has more life in it. Like a game, I hit that pinball point I needed to get an extra ball.
I can keep playing this startup ~
Since we feel so strongly that our product or service is prime, we don't want anyone stealing that from us. Ugg, gulp, keep building super fast we do.
To me fastness made me hurry and sometimes make reckless choices. I've learned it's not fast that breeds success. It's either bailing early if the idea is bunk or staying the coarse, which is usually slow.
With Passdown it started out FAST. I hardly had the idea out of my head and I was sucked into publicly speaking about it. People were amazed with joy and made comments like "wow, I never thought of that". I was on some super fast roller coaster, and that ended in two minutes.
For many months since the start, it's been a slow startup. So slow that I wondered often, is this something I should build? I've gone to every dark tunnel of this startup. I found all the dead ends. Then I stood there and reminded myself that I'm only going to the next milestone. If I cannot take it to the next milestone than this startup is dead. I'll kill it and move on. I will not waste time on something people do not want.
The last few days has been great for my startup. Not publicly, but building wise. My brain finally found the answers to many problems that my startup faces. It unleashed all these answers to me in a pleasant, 'here you go' I shake my head in disbelief. All this time I have struggled with one big issue and now the answer comes. Simple it seems, but it's was the barrier I was facing, if I couldn't get over it, then this startup was to be buried. Now it has more life in it. Like a game, I hit that pinball point I needed to get an extra ball.
I can keep playing this startup ~
Keep going down the slow road and you
will find your way out of the dead ends.
The investors and people will be
Much Ado About Something ~
Your Thing
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Trove: Worth The Whirl
I get a ton of marketing companies wanting me to sign up with them. Follow them, try them out. I usually give it a look, and decide, if it's what my company needs at the time. Sometimes I go a bit further and sign up for something just to see what they are doing. I want to understand it more and signing up is the only way to do it.
Recently TROVE sent me a little invite through Twitter. My first thought was,"ahh another marketing company" Here is what they tweeted:
This is the first time I have ever heard of Trove, and I had no idea what a Smartpick feature was. Here is my reply:
They replied:
Little does Trove know, that I actually love the word whirl. Isn't it a wonderful word? It makes me feel like I'm effortlessly dancing on air. My body is gracefully floating with the gentleness of the wind. Every single problem is vanished. It's just pure happiness, and that is what I found when I indeed, gave Trove a whirl.
I had no idea what it was all about. So I signed in with my Twitter account, because that's easy. Started looking around and then clicking,creating, or curating my Troves.
Now for me wanting to spend anytime on a software program, to see if it will be useful to me, the program has to flow easy in my brain. When I click something it has to make sense to where it leads or what the result is. It has to take less time to figure out than opening a physical package.
So far I have spent about ten minutes on Trove and I am in LOVE! These intelligent designers created an easy to learn and use, with smart content, news sharing program. For me it couldn't have come at a better time, as I've been dating and breaking up with frustrating news feeds for months now.
Ohhh I'm looking forward to a very long love affair with Trove. If you are missing this kind of love in your life, well, give Trove a whirl. I'm positive they have enough love to go around.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Our Desire For Sawyer Fredericks
I didn't see every episode of this season's The Voice. I hadn't seen this young man Sawyer or the unique Josh, until after the knockout rounds. In fact the first time I saw Josh was when he was instantly saved.
Truly it was an exciting season and there were so many great voices, I was sad when some of the ones I liked got the cut. The last four were all exceptional and I think Koryyn has a very special gift that we will hear for years to come and I am certain Meghan is going to be blessing us many times over.
Of course I wanted Sawyer to win, as so did many of you. He has something we all desire, and it's not his voice, even though we love it. As Adam had said to him after his last performance that "He hopes he never loses his purity" It is not only his purity we all desired, but all the other qualities that shine through his soul.
Sawyer has this everlasting smile. As he stands there on stage listening to the comments from the judges, it's not just his purity we see. It's kindness,gentleness,honesty,innocence,happiness, sweetness all wrapped up in humbleness. You just want to hug him, because he embodies so many awesome qualities.
All these qualities that Sawyer Frederick's seemingly lets shine through to us with ease, is what we want. Then you add the cherry on top his voice,singing ability,and musicianship, and that's what makes a superstar, or at least a human being that mankind could use more of. Even ourselves, we'd like to embody a few more of Sawyers qualities as surly ours are worn down and do not have that kind of shine anymore.
Truly it was an exciting season and there were so many great voices, I was sad when some of the ones I liked got the cut. The last four were all exceptional and I think Koryyn has a very special gift that we will hear for years to come and I am certain Meghan is going to be blessing us many times over.
Of course I wanted Sawyer to win, as so did many of you. He has something we all desire, and it's not his voice, even though we love it. As Adam had said to him after his last performance that "He hopes he never loses his purity" It is not only his purity we all desired, but all the other qualities that shine through his soul.
Sawyer has this everlasting smile. As he stands there on stage listening to the comments from the judges, it's not just his purity we see. It's kindness,gentleness,honesty,innocence,happiness, sweetness all wrapped up in humbleness. You just want to hug him, because he embodies so many awesome qualities.
All these qualities that Sawyer Frederick's seemingly lets shine through to us with ease, is what we want. Then you add the cherry on top his voice,singing ability,and musicianship, and that's what makes a superstar, or at least a human being that mankind could use more of. Even ourselves, we'd like to embody a few more of Sawyers qualities as surly ours are worn down and do not have that kind of shine anymore.
Congratulations to Sawyer and his coach Pharrell!
Saturday, May 16, 2015
An Entrepreneurs Life Pause
I have been in a dark place for a long time. Some people say I'm negative. True, as I am a reflection of my mother, a known negative person.
Do I want to be negative? HECK NO. Do I think I'm negative? Not often. When I'm smiling in life I feel totally positive. But yes the last three years have been super hard on my psyche. I'd say only a few people in the world can handle these life circumstances to the better. I, not at all.
Almost super ripped physically. (for an older woman this is pure joy) My body was at an all time high of sweetness and then an injury, or more like an evil life ending cruelty crept into my right foot. Then it spread into my soul. : - /
I kept buying new running shoes, as surly shoes must not last longer than three months. I could not figure out what was the problem with my foot. It hurt on and off and then one day it hurt all the time from then on. This was the beginning of my downfall as an athlete, as a woman, and as an entrepreneur. This foot problem would lead to my destruction. It would lead to my total dispare, my hopelessness, my desire to jump.
During my battle with my foot, so many things happened. I had to make the decision to close down my startup DigiThin. Start a new startup. Quit the job I loved, as standing for twelve hours would not work as only one hour was all I could do. I had to give up running, hiking, being a free able bodied person to do anything in life that included my body working.
I had never had a job of sitting. I always had jobs that I moved in. What would I do for a living? Startup life was still not at the stage of paying or doing full time. Ugg, swirling in my brain, my life was spinning out of control and six deaths in a one year period of friends or family members happened upon my personal struggle. All but one, cruel tragic deaths of young people snuffed out. The self centered sorrow of myself was extra pounding upon me. They died and my death was looking really GOOD to me.
I don't want to be no cripple. I don't want a failed startup. I don't want to be a bad mother or wife. I don't want any of that, but that's what I got. That's what I live. Misery of life encapsulated me, like a easy pill on the beside table.
Sucked into misery of an evil that I can't seem to escape has been my life these last three years. I keep looking for the sunrise of bright hope. For the day I turn away from all this sorrow and struggle, and surge into what God wants me to do. I keep searching for my happy day. For now I'm in a life pause.
Yeah, I do have the capability to build a startup to success. I know that. But all appearances of who I am would lead others to believe I'm some crazy woman. Some crazy sloth to be forgot. I can't stand that part of me. But that's the part that gives me visions of things others cannot see. It's my gift, and curse I suppose.
As much as I hate to live through these episodes of insane life, I know my Lord Jesus Christ walks we me, as he guides me in this maze of pure torture. I will walk the path crippled, I will do what the creator wants. I will do as he says, to bless humanity. I will build what HE wants. ~
To all the people who have passed this year. I'm still smiling because we knew each other, I'm still thinking about what you left on the lives of others. I'm still adding you into the build.
Do I want to be negative? HECK NO. Do I think I'm negative? Not often. When I'm smiling in life I feel totally positive. But yes the last three years have been super hard on my psyche. I'd say only a few people in the world can handle these life circumstances to the better. I, not at all.
Almost super ripped physically. (for an older woman this is pure joy) My body was at an all time high of sweetness and then an injury, or more like an evil life ending cruelty crept into my right foot. Then it spread into my soul. : - /
 |
| Trapped I Am |
I kept buying new running shoes, as surly shoes must not last longer than three months. I could not figure out what was the problem with my foot. It hurt on and off and then one day it hurt all the time from then on. This was the beginning of my downfall as an athlete, as a woman, and as an entrepreneur. This foot problem would lead to my destruction. It would lead to my total dispare, my hopelessness, my desire to jump.
During my battle with my foot, so many things happened. I had to make the decision to close down my startup DigiThin. Start a new startup. Quit the job I loved, as standing for twelve hours would not work as only one hour was all I could do. I had to give up running, hiking, being a free able bodied person to do anything in life that included my body working.
 |
| My Struggle |
I had never had a job of sitting. I always had jobs that I moved in. What would I do for a living? Startup life was still not at the stage of paying or doing full time. Ugg, swirling in my brain, my life was spinning out of control and six deaths in a one year period of friends or family members happened upon my personal struggle. All but one, cruel tragic deaths of young people snuffed out. The self centered sorrow of myself was extra pounding upon me. They died and my death was looking really GOOD to me.
I don't want to be no cripple. I don't want a failed startup. I don't want to be a bad mother or wife. I don't want any of that, but that's what I got. That's what I live. Misery of life encapsulated me, like a easy pill on the beside table.
Sucked into misery of an evil that I can't seem to escape has been my life these last three years. I keep looking for the sunrise of bright hope. For the day I turn away from all this sorrow and struggle, and surge into what God wants me to do. I keep searching for my happy day. For now I'm in a life pause.
Yeah, I do have the capability to build a startup to success. I know that. But all appearances of who I am would lead others to believe I'm some crazy woman. Some crazy sloth to be forgot. I can't stand that part of me. But that's the part that gives me visions of things others cannot see. It's my gift, and curse I suppose.
 |
| Clouds Are Rarely Like This: Shredded Cotton Balls |
As much as I hate to live through these episodes of insane life, I know my Lord Jesus Christ walks we me, as he guides me in this maze of pure torture. I will walk the path crippled, I will do what the creator wants. I will do as he says, to bless humanity. I will build what HE wants. ~
 |
| And The Day Of Beautiful Sky Ended With This |
To all the people who have passed this year. I'm still smiling because we knew each other, I'm still thinking about what you left on the lives of others. I'm still adding you into the build.
- My bother Mark:Age 53. Found decomposed in his apartment - death undetermined
- Granddad: Old age - I feel good about this death.
- Rob: brother in law. Age 36, quick and swift cancer. Super Sad. A father to one and husband to a beautiful wife, my sister Sara.
- Jason: Christian brother. Age 41, drunk driver hit his car, instant death. Super, super sad. A father of three, a husband to one loving wife. A lover of the Lord.
- Audi: My cousin. An only child to my Aunt Dorthy. Early onset Alzheimer's. His funeral, many expressed the sorrow"This is too bad, he is a good person" My Aunt, his mother, Dorothy was there, but she went instantly blind 15 months earlier. She could not see him in his last days. It was a twofold sorrow for me.
- Jackie: A childhood friend. I ran into her in adult life. We talked and smiled. She was murdered and dismembered.
All these deaths in a one year period.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Geez, A Really Hard Day For Me and Startup Building
My anguish this last year was almost gone. Five deaths, four of them young people, and two of them our own, treps. Lives cut short of dreams created. Nothing sadder than that. A startup never to be built.
Personally the toll of those deaths on my personal life has been a big burden on my fragile psyche. Grief wrecks havoc on my rarely sound mind. Building comes and goes in waves of hope and hopelessness. I'm teetering on the edge of choice. Should I carry on, or just end it all?
Today I woke with the plan to continue to build passdown, and then my husband opened up the mail he had forgotten about for a month. The IRS sent a letter. Yep, we are being audited. So they told us what they wanted and we had thirty days to comply. We are two days over the thirty days, when we read the letter.
It was my last startup. The one I shut down a long time ago. It was 2012 they wanted to know about, and here I am in 2015 thinking that's all done and over. Yet the government wants to know all about what I did in 2012. Ugg.
Their check boxes never matched any of the replies I wanted to give, the biggest one being. It's a failed startup, that I spent four years on, and blew 55k of my own money on. No check box for that. Yeah, I learned a ton from it, but I lost big time on cash and emotions, if you want any more from me because I FAILED,well, then I think you are crazier than I.
I didn't do bad things and launder money. I didn't rip people off. They never bought my product. I didn't hide or do any legal things wrong. I'm no evil business woman, I just FAILED at being successful. So, why is the IRS auditing my husband and I? Why is what I feel I have put behind me, still haunting me? I'm done with it, why can't they be?
Funny, we filed the tax forms on time, and it took them two years to audit us. Two years to ask, what did you do in 2012? Hmm, FAILED! Duh! Surly I would love to be reaping in the black
and paying big taxes to you, but I didn't succeed.
Today was hard for me. I had to dig through paper and digital files. It made me look at what I thought was good book keeping and see, it was all a mess. Disheveled like my soul. I was torn between thoughts of, "I know I kept good books" and "What the hell happened"
I am suffering in such a twisted bad way right now, this was not a good day of hope for me. I tried really hard to believe I was a good business woman, but all I could see was a woman who failed her entire life. All I could see was a lifetime of struggle and a woman who had no skills in anything. It's a pretty horrible place to land on. Especially because "hope" was hanging around me. It was teasing me to think I can keep building.
We spent the whole day sorting through all the request they asked of us. It was miserable. I had other plans for today and the IRS changed them. I feel terrible that I wasted my husbands money,and now I continue to waste his time on fixing my past startup mistakes. To present to him a failure as a wife, and a failure as a startup builder, well, that torments my soul. How I wish I could be like normal people and just work for a company doing what they want for the rest of my life. But I can't do that. I have to build ~ startups.
Personally the toll of those deaths on my personal life has been a big burden on my fragile psyche. Grief wrecks havoc on my rarely sound mind. Building comes and goes in waves of hope and hopelessness. I'm teetering on the edge of choice. Should I carry on, or just end it all?
Today I woke with the plan to continue to build passdown, and then my husband opened up the mail he had forgotten about for a month. The IRS sent a letter. Yep, we are being audited. So they told us what they wanted and we had thirty days to comply. We are two days over the thirty days, when we read the letter.
It was my last startup. The one I shut down a long time ago. It was 2012 they wanted to know about, and here I am in 2015 thinking that's all done and over. Yet the government wants to know all about what I did in 2012. Ugg.
Their check boxes never matched any of the replies I wanted to give, the biggest one being. It's a failed startup, that I spent four years on, and blew 55k of my own money on. No check box for that. Yeah, I learned a ton from it, but I lost big time on cash and emotions, if you want any more from me because I FAILED,well, then I think you are crazier than I.
I didn't do bad things and launder money. I didn't rip people off. They never bought my product. I didn't hide or do any legal things wrong. I'm no evil business woman, I just FAILED at being successful. So, why is the IRS auditing my husband and I? Why is what I feel I have put behind me, still haunting me? I'm done with it, why can't they be?
Funny, we filed the tax forms on time, and it took them two years to audit us. Two years to ask, what did you do in 2012? Hmm, FAILED! Duh! Surly I would love to be reaping in the black
Today was hard for me. I had to dig through paper and digital files. It made me look at what I thought was good book keeping and see, it was all a mess. Disheveled like my soul. I was torn between thoughts of, "I know I kept good books" and "What the hell happened"
I am suffering in such a twisted bad way right now, this was not a good day of hope for me. I tried really hard to believe I was a good business woman, but all I could see was a woman who failed her entire life. All I could see was a lifetime of struggle and a woman who had no skills in anything. It's a pretty horrible place to land on. Especially because "hope" was hanging around me. It was teasing me to think I can keep building.
We spent the whole day sorting through all the request they asked of us. It was miserable. I had other plans for today and the IRS changed them. I feel terrible that I wasted my husbands money,and now I continue to waste his time on fixing my past startup mistakes. To present to him a failure as a wife, and a failure as a startup builder, well, that torments my soul. How I wish I could be like normal people and just work for a company doing what they want for the rest of my life. But I can't do that. I have to build ~ startups.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Pond Fishing For Entrepreneurs
I seemed to be going along pretty good this last week or so. Filled with a new hope of getting some movement on Passdown, and then the words of doom spew out of someone's mouth and crush me!
You know, it's that unhopefullness of others that brings me down. They can't see the vision in my head or on our two websites. I've failed at explaining it. Well, I haven't really, it's just that it hasn't begun to grow. It hasn't taken shape much at all. It's not just us the startup builders, it's the people who are going to use it. We need them in the master puzzle we are putting together. Otherwise it's not anything. Otherwise it gets words of hopelessness shot at it.
This is something I had to deal with in my last build. Yes it hurts. It makes all kinds of thoughts of self doubt spring up and then I begin to wonder if I should jump ship and forget about this build. Forget about startups, forget about making something for people to use, something that will make their digital world better.
Literally I want to curl up in a ball and Netflix my weekend away ~
Two days later positive feedback was given and it seems the path I am choosing right now to get traction is the one I should stay on. Albeit it's not the only traction channel I'm working on. I do have all the social. But the social isn't so promising for us at this time. My best guess as to why that is, is because paying for social is the way to go, but there are no funds. So this startup can only use free social, and well, maybe I'm not good at using that. Most likely that is true. I suppose I have to get over my fear of being one of those annoying shove it in your face kind of people. I know a person who uses social to push her business agenda and is doing quit well, but she annoys me. As much as she uses her personal life to expose her business, it always bugs me cause it's like I can see, it's not really personal, it's business, and that's what I don't want to be. I don't want Passdown to be something that annoys people. I don't want to shove it down their throats. But is that the true way of advertising? Is there a true way? I think it's any way you can without being annoying. Only time will tell.
Yes I am passionate about our early stage start up. I'd like to, shove it down peoples throats, but in the most beautiful way possible. So that the shoving would really seem like swallowing something tasty. Like a good wine, or horderves.
For me I won't be satisfied to deliver the message in any other form. As I don't want to be the fisherman, I want the people to seek to fish, out of our pond.
My way may be, a longer harder journey. When the people come to this pond, I will be pleased when they stand at the edges, and see the beauty, and dive into the water willingly.
You know, it's that unhopefullness of others that brings me down. They can't see the vision in my head or on our two websites. I've failed at explaining it. Well, I haven't really, it's just that it hasn't begun to grow. It hasn't taken shape much at all. It's not just us the startup builders, it's the people who are going to use it. We need them in the master puzzle we are putting together. Otherwise it's not anything. Otherwise it gets words of hopelessness shot at it.
This is something I had to deal with in my last build. Yes it hurts. It makes all kinds of thoughts of self doubt spring up and then I begin to wonder if I should jump ship and forget about this build. Forget about startups, forget about making something for people to use, something that will make their digital world better.
Literally I want to curl up in a ball and Netflix my weekend away ~
Two days later positive feedback was given and it seems the path I am choosing right now to get traction is the one I should stay on. Albeit it's not the only traction channel I'm working on. I do have all the social. But the social isn't so promising for us at this time. My best guess as to why that is, is because paying for social is the way to go, but there are no funds. So this startup can only use free social, and well, maybe I'm not good at using that. Most likely that is true. I suppose I have to get over my fear of being one of those annoying shove it in your face kind of people. I know a person who uses social to push her business agenda and is doing quit well, but she annoys me. As much as she uses her personal life to expose her business, it always bugs me cause it's like I can see, it's not really personal, it's business, and that's what I don't want to be. I don't want Passdown to be something that annoys people. I don't want to shove it down their throats. But is that the true way of advertising? Is there a true way? I think it's any way you can without being annoying. Only time will tell.
Yes I am passionate about our early stage start up. I'd like to, shove it down peoples throats, but in the most beautiful way possible. So that the shoving would really seem like swallowing something tasty. Like a good wine, or horderves.
For me I won't be satisfied to deliver the message in any other form. As I don't want to be the fisherman, I want the people to seek to fish, out of our pond.
My way may be, a longer harder journey. When the people come to this pond, I will be pleased when they stand at the edges, and see the beauty, and dive into the water willingly.
~ May The Pond You Build Be Desirable Tasteful ~
 |
| Yodi says YO! |
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