Geez, A Really Hard Day For Me and Startup Building

My anguish this last year was almost gone. Five deaths, four of them young people, and two of them our own, treps. Lives cut short of dreams created. Nothing sadder than that. A startup never to be built. 

Personally the toll of those deaths on my personal life has been a big burden on my fragile psyche. Grief wrecks havoc on my rarely sound mind. Building comes and goes in waves of hope and hopelessness. I'm teetering on the edge of choice. Should I carry on, or just end it all?  

Today I woke with the plan to continue to build passdown, and then my husband opened up the mail he had forgotten about for a month. The IRS sent a letter. Yep, we are being audited. So they told us what they wanted and we had thirty days to comply. We are two days over the thirty days, when we read the letter.

It was my last startup. The one I shut down a long time ago. It was 2012 they wanted to know about, and here I am in 2015 thinking that's all done and over. Yet the government wants to know all about what I did in 2012. Ugg. 

Their check boxes never matched any of the replies I wanted to give, the biggest one being. It's a failed startup, that I spent four years on, and blew 55k of my own money on. No check box for that. Yeah, I learned a ton from it, but I lost big time on cash and emotions, if you want any more from me because I FAILED,well, then I think you are crazier than I. 

I didn't do bad things and launder money. I didn't rip people off. They never bought my product. I didn't hide or do any legal things wrong. I'm no evil business woman, I just FAILED at being successful. So, why is the IRS auditing my husband and I? Why is what I feel I have put behind me, still haunting me? I'm done with it, why can't they be? 

Funny, we filed the tax forms on time, and it took them two years to audit us. Two years to ask, what did you do in 2012? Hmm, FAILED! Duh! Surly I would love to be reaping in the black

and paying big taxes to you, but I didn't succeed. 

Today was hard for me. I had to dig through paper and digital files. It made me look at what I thought was good book keeping and see, it was all a mess. Disheveled like my soul. I was torn between thoughts of, "I know I kept good books" and "What the hell happened" 

I am suffering in such a twisted bad way right now, this was not a good day of hope for me. I tried really hard to believe I was a good business woman, but all I could see was a woman who failed her entire life. All I could see was a lifetime of struggle and a woman who had no skills in anything. It's a pretty horrible place to land on. Especially because "hope" was hanging around me. It was teasing me to think I can keep building. 

We spent the whole day sorting through all the request they asked of us. It was miserable.  I had other plans for today and the IRS changed them. I feel terrible that I wasted my husbands money,and now I continue to waste his time on fixing my past startup mistakes. To present to him a failure as a wife, and a failure as a startup builder, well, that torments my soul. How I wish I could be like normal people and just work for a company doing what they want for the rest of my life. But I can't do that. I have to build ~ startups.