An Entrepreneurs Life Pause

I have been in a dark place for a long time. Some people say I'm negative. True, as I am a reflection of my mother, a known negative person. 

Do I want to be negative? HECK NO. Do I think I'm negative? Not often. When I'm smiling in life I feel totally positive. But yes the last three years have been super hard on my psyche. I'd say only a few people in the world can handle these life circumstances to the better. I, not at all. 

Almost super ripped physically. (for an older woman this is pure joy) My body was at an all time high of sweetness and then an injury, or more like an evil life ending cruelty crept into my right foot. Then it spread into my soul. : - /

Trapped I Am

I kept buying new running shoes, as surly shoes must not last longer than three months. I could not figure out what was the problem with my foot. It hurt on and off and then one day it hurt all the time from then on. This was the beginning of my downfall as an athlete, as a woman, and as an entrepreneur. This foot problem would lead to my destruction. It would lead to my total dispare, my hopelessness, my desire to jump. 

During my battle with my foot, so many things happened. I had to make the decision to close down my startup DigiThin. Start a new startup. Quit the job I loved, as standing for twelve hours would not work as only one hour was all I could do. I had to give up running, hiking, being a free able bodied person to do anything in life that included my body working. 

My Struggle

I had never had a job of sitting. I always had jobs that I moved in. What would I do for a living? Startup life was still not at the stage of paying or doing full time. Ugg, swirling in my brain, my life was spinning out of control and six deaths in a one year period of friends or family members happened upon my personal struggle. All but one, cruel tragic deaths of young people snuffed out. The self centered sorrow of myself was extra pounding upon me. They died and my death was looking really GOOD to me.  

I don't want to be no cripple. I don't want a failed startup. I don't want to be a bad mother or wife. I don't want any of that, but that's what I got. That's what I live. Misery of life encapsulated me, like a easy pill on the beside table.

Sucked into misery of an evil that I can't seem to escape has been my life these last three years. I keep looking for the sunrise of bright hope. For the day I turn away from all this sorrow and struggle, and surge into what God wants me to do. I keep searching for my happy day. For now I'm in a life pause. 

Yeah, I do have the capability to build a startup to success. I know that. But all appearances of who I am would lead others to believe I'm some crazy woman. Some crazy sloth to be forgot. I can't stand that part of me. But that's the part that gives me visions of things others cannot see. It's my gift, and curse I suppose. 

Clouds Are Rarely Like This: Shredded Cotton Balls

As much as I hate to live through these episodes of insane life, I know my Lord Jesus Christ walks we me, as he guides me in this maze of pure torture. I will walk the path crippled, I will do what the creator wants. I will do as he says, to bless humanity. I will build what HE wants. ~

And The Day Of Beautiful Sky Ended With This

To all the people who have passed this year. I'm still smiling because we knew each other, I'm still thinking about what you left on the lives of others. I'm still adding you into the build. 

•  My bother Mark:Age 53. Found decomposed in his apartment - death undetermined
• Granddad: Old age - I feel good about this death.
• Rob: brother in law. Age 36, quick and swift cancer. Super Sad. A father to one and husband to a beautiful wife, my sister Sara.
• Jason: Christian brother. Age 41, drunk driver hit his car, instant death. Super, super sad. A father of three, a husband to one loving wife. A lover of the Lord.
• Audi: My cousin. An only child to my Aunt Dorthy. Early onset Alzheimer's. His funeral, many expressed the sorrow"This is too bad, he is a good person" My Aunt, his mother, Dorothy was there, but she went instantly blind 15 months earlier. She could not see him in his last days. It was a twofold sorrow for me.
• Jackie: A childhood friend. I ran into her in adult life. We talked and smiled. She was murdered and dismembered. 

All these deaths in a one year period.