I wrote about how I felt like I wasn't really myself a few months back. As if I was in some sort of psychotic entrepreneur episode. I was just starting to feel a bit better about myself when the Arizona police department called to say they had found my brother dead in his apartment. It was the neighbors who reported a strong smell. He had been dead for over a week, and no one missed him. This makes me sad.
So I did all the things a sister must do in this kind of situation,arrange the funeral, pick up the ashes,talk to relatives, and continued to work my butt off on my startup. But mixing grief with a startup is not good.
Here are the ingredients for grief:
Denial
Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I have had them all except, Acceptance. I think when you get to acceptance then you are over it. You can finally let them rest at peace. Or really, you can rest at peace yourself. So stir those other five ingredients into working on your startup, and you have a crazy person on the loose. Me.
I Wander Around My House And Don't Accomplish A Thing.
I immerse myself into my startup work. I try to avoid every thought of my brother, then some small glitch in my startup becomes impending doom, with anger seeping out all over the place, people in my path can't figure out, what the hell happened to Jana? And new people in my path certainly are seeing a nut! A total freaking freak!
Only time can heal the grief. But I don't want the grief. it's messing up my plans, it's screwing up my behavior, it's making an already crazy, insane, entrepreneur even crazier. It's horrible! I want it to go away, thus it's not something you can make go away. You can't just rip it out of your soul.
People Kicking My Ass
I met an investor on WhisperApp. Yes, it's not just a sex app people! I found my first employee on Whisper. So I was talking to this nice man and trying to make a equity for cash pitch, and I blew it. This investor kicked my ass in the most kind way, and made me swallow my pride, ego, insanity, and every bit of my being. I didn't believe in myself, my startup, my idea, or the fact that one truly could find an Angel investor on WhisperApp.
I had a potential opportunity and I BLEW IT. Oh, where is that rock I need to climb under?
And he has not been the only one to kick my ass when I needed it. I did a bad thing and a company I deal with put me in my place! They stood up to my shit. I apologized and climbed under a rock.
Spinning Out Of Control
There is no excuse for my bad behavior or poor judgement, not even. "Oh I am a crazy person suffering grief and building a startup." If I do wrong I apologize. It's just that I don't want to be the person I am right now. I want the broken heart to be gone. I want the not knowing why my brother died to be answered. I want to save my startup from sinking before it gets a chance to sail. I want to build EavesdropApp. I want to help people.
I think it's time to get a dog and start running......................cause this spinning out of control crap is killing me.
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