A Beloved Trep Has Passed Away

I have been wanting to write about happy times for a long time now. It seems as, that will be delayed. Approximately ten thirty PM mountain time, Saturday January 24th, my brother- in-law and fellow entrepreneur Rob Proctor, passed away. 

He leaves behind his beautiful wife Sara and their ever so precious daughter Arielle. 

Thirty six years old, and a rare cancer he could not beat. Our hearts are broken. Our souls are weeping. 

I've Been A Bad Startup Girl Today

If I didn't get fired the other day from my Postmates job, I surely am today. Or the truth be told, I quit. I had to abandon my delivery that was in progress for many reason.

I had rejected this order two or three times. I knew it would be a hard delivery. As I'm new, I didn't want to be put in a tough situation. As you know, I was still learning the app. (you know the one you can't play around in to learn)Here is my other post about it, Founder Brought To Tears By iPhone. So I rejected the delivery. Finally feeling under pressure I caved and accepted it. It turned into a big fat nightmare. 

I followed the GPS directions as I drove. I get to my destination and it's The Denver Post. That's a newspaper company, not a pork sandwich shop. I look at the app, and it says my destination is a moving target. WHAT? A moving target? Oh, so I'm chasing a food truck? Well it was no where to be seen. I called for help as I'm needing to find the food to pick up so I can deliver it to the customer. It was a free sandwich. And I was to get $4.80 for delivering it. Well, I'm not going to pay $5 or $10 bucks to park, so I keep driving around looking for a meter. No meters were available. Around and around I went. 

During all this searching I start to panic. I feel terrible that I can't find the food truck, or a place to park. I feel terrible because the timer is on and I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to be prompt for the customer, this really upsets me. Tears start to spring up in me again. Here I am crying because I can't do a seemingly simple job, deliver packages.

So I did something really bad. I feel horrible about it. I turned the iPhone off and drove home. I quit. I feel absolutely like the biggest looser. I feel like a terrible, terrible person for doing this. I feel horrible for letting down this startup Postmates. I wanted to be one of their best drivers. At least that's the fantasy I've had for two weeks. My fantasy never had any of these real life problems in them. That's the problem with fantasies. I feel like I'll probably be rejected by the startup world cause I bailed on Postmates. This is not who I am. I don't just quit. I don't give up. But I did. What the fuck is wrong with me? What has happened to my ethics? What has happened to my faith in myself? What has happened to the dependable, reliable person I've always been? I'm broken and I don't know why. I failed Postmates and myself today.  : - / 

Me: Bullied No More

I'm not a complicated woman, though I say I am. I'm easy to get along with. I do carry a stockpile of sorrow. I'm also happy when I'm working out, eating healthy and being overall fit. 

My walk in life is filled with one problem I have worked hard to get away from - Bullying. I do not know why I've attracted bullies like a dead body attracts larvae. I'm kind, I'm courteous, yeah I get angry but I handle it better than I ever have. 

I have not been bullied for five years now, well not true. I've had a few meanies, but no cold blooded bullies attacking me with the vengeance that God said was his. That's pretty good for me. I decided that I would never let a bully bully me again. Since then my worries of meeting a potential bully have lessened, still I watch for them like a predator in the woods. I'm starting two new jobs, and again my heart is filled with apprehension. Will a bully be in my new workplace? Will I present myself as strong so I will trick potential bullies that I'm not a target? 

This is probably why I build startups. It's probably why I want to work for myself, ah not really. But it's a great reason to work for myself. My company will have a NO BULLY policy, and it will include all the things bullies did to me, and if that worker does any of those bully tactics, THEY ARE SO FIRED! I can't stand bullies and I can't help them. They are a special lot of people with mental illness unto themselves. I don't know how to fix it. 

All I know is that it hurts really bad to be bullied. All I know is that it can cause a person to have PTSD. All I know is that it's worse than being raped (at least for me it was the case). All I know is that my company shall have no bullies. And I will feel, ever safe. 

Founder Brought To Tears By i Phone

I rarely shed tears. Years ago I cried all the time. I grew out of it. Today I started a side job to pump money into my startup. I'm a contractor for the startup Postmates. Of course after my first day, I'm probably fired. 

Postmates is a courier service. We pick up packages (usually food) and deliver to the customer. This is an idea that was attempted in the late 1980's to 1990's but there was no internet, and only wealthy people had a cell phone. With the technology today this type of service is going to be amazing. 

Here Is What Happened

Postmates only uses iOS for now. If you have an android phone they will supply an iphone to you with a deposit. I have never used an iphone. I got a bit of instruction and it seems simple enough and the program seems simple. Hmmm, well it most likely is simple. They just don't know me. I hack my way through programs. I rarely read the help instructions, and if I just, click, swipe or enter, usually things work. I generally can figure out an app after a few times hacking around in it. The problem is, this is a live situation. It's not a dating app where I can hit BLOCK if the guy is a jerk. I needed to deliver the product to the customer and you can't play around with the app to get familiar with it. It's do or die. I pretty much died. 

I get to my first pickup and the man at the counter says "We do not have any big orders, and nothing under the names you have given me" I recheck where I'm at and, yep I'm in the right place. From that moment on, the entire order was a disaster, except for the fact that the woman I delivered it to said it was prompt. Little did she know that I was sitting in my car and I had no address to deliver it to. Nope. That I was in a complete panic as to how was I going to find her? That I felt horrible because I realized I had messed up. Somehow I had gone through the entire app all the way to the end of the delivery and finished the order. Once you get to that part, you're done. There is no going back. What I was looking for was the address to deliver it to. I had seen it once, but that was the last time I ever saw it again.  

As I read the app pages before me I did what it said, so I thought. Yet, the area that would pop up was not the next area I should be in. So I would try to hit "go back" but I could never get to the page I needed to be on. I hit every single button on the phone, the app, and still I was stuck in area's that were not helping me continue on with the delivery.

This was just as humiliating and demoralizing as Venture Capitalist or Angels saying your idea sucks! I can't believe how horrible I felt. I wanted to do great work for this rising startup Postmates, and I just made a fool of myself, because I couldn't work the app or the iphone. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. What's worse is that my startup is a technology startup. OMG, I could be the dumbest founder on earth. 

Ugg what to do? As many of you know I've been on a quitting addictions spree. (all legal addictions) So of course during all the trauma and humiliation, using thoughts passed through my mind. But I'm not going to. It was an upsetting situation and I just wanted to return to the substance. What I did instead is come home and go for a walk with my nephews dog and listen to Pandora.

I don't know if I'll get fired on my first day. What I do hope is that the two customers I served were happy with the service, and that they enjoyed their meals. I also hope I didn't make Postmates look bad. Oh and yes, I held my tears in during the job, but as I walked Jenny the dog, I cried. 

Postmates is a great service and company to work for if you are interested check them out. And be kind to the new hires that deliver to you. It could be me. ;- ) and a special thanks to the man I delivered to whom, knew how to use an iphone and helped me finish the order. See the customers were awesome, they helped me, the crazy long shot startup girl.

Suffering

: - / 

Ahh this suffering really sucks.

Pandora Helps Founders Grief And Loneliness

One by one it started. My quitting addictions began with a pill I had been prescribed years ago for a neck injury. It was considered safe at the time. I had struggled with getting off it many times in the past. I'm done with it. I do have some trouble sleeping now, but it's okay.

After that I decided I had to clean up the rest of my life. I have 25 days off chewing tobacco. I'll never be out of the woods on this one. At one time I had eleven months, then I caved. As much as I might think I'll be safe two years down the road, all I have is one day to get through without using.

The next one is alcohol. Ahh, this one is proving to be a bit hard. I go a few days then a beer sounds good. I'm considering going to A.A. and maybe I will. I also am giving up junk food. Ohhh so many addictions. What it has left me with is an incredible loneliness. A deep grief, over the loss of all my addictions. A vast emptiness swallowing me. I wander around my house wanting them back as that will ease this deep pain I am in. Well, it won't. It will just cover up all the feelings I should have felt a long time ago and been done with.

 

For now this is what I have to face to change. I am finding that Pandora radio has become a great buddy of mine. The endless music I can listen to has softened the misery I am in. I hope by springtime, I will come out of this a better person. 

The Overwhelmingness Of Startups: Quitters Traction

Since the holidays ended, and the first official work week started, I have been swamped. I am balancing everything from saying goodbye to my current pay the bills job and taking on a new pay the bills job to doing daily acts of traction. Of course I'm sad. I'm sad that my last startup was not the one to take me away from, the pay the bills job : - /

I'm sad and angry that I didn't figure out the startup system to put my last startup on the map. Now I have a brand new startup and I plan on putting it on the map. That's the investor desire map. Whilst, I've been so swamped the last two days balancing all the hoopla to switch day job companies.I'm also attempting to get a job from a new startup to Denver from San Francisco, POSTMATES. I won't be working for them officially, but working as a contractor. My head is spinning. 

I have the list of what I want to do, and what I need to do for Passdown. I can't do it all, surely I attempt too as there are only three of us. My, what to do for our startup list plays in my head all day long as I tackle normal life crap. It irritates me that I can't do what I had wanted to do for this startup today, no I have to do regular life stuff. Agony spreads throughout my veins. I want to work on Passdown all day long, but I cannot. 

I have started two new groups.

I started the "One Act Of Traction" group, but I've failed at it so far. I didn't have time, and I didn't know where to post the group. Should I start a new category or should I post it as a topic in business? My head spins. The other group is my quit tobacco group. This group I really like. I feel grounded when I post there. It's just me and a bunch of other people who quit tobacco, and post daily to stay quit. Yes I had a serious tobacco addiction and I'm terrified I'll start again. I worry about it more than any startup or job. Tobacco in any form is one of the most evil life destructive addictions. I quit cold turkey and so far I have nineteen days. Whilst, I only have one day everyday. If all those days add up to a thousand days, I will be happy. I suppose that is, quitters traction. Many days without the tormenting struggle to get a fix and not giving into the taunting thoughts to abuse is, well FREEDOM. 

My best to you in your startup journey and any addiction you choose to quit! Talk to me if you need support of an entrepreneur or addict. jana@passdownapp.com 

One Act Of Traction

Hey, hope you are feeling good today. Maybe not so much if you had a bit of alcohol to drink last night. It's January 1st, 2015 and I have a big smile for you.

I was thinking about many things last night (New Years Eve) I sat alone with my pc and Pandora for hours. Thinking, thinking. What must we do? What must us struggling startups do? I came up with 'The One Act Of Traction Roll Call' 

This means that everyday when you wake up, one of the first things you do that day is, post your roll call, saying you are here, and.......

• A one sentence statement saying what act of traction you will do that day for your startup.

That's It.

When you post your act of traction be it small or large. A tweet or a billboard, you are saying to us your community of startups that you will commit to do it. That if, it's the only thing you do that day, it's the thing you will do. 

Of course we are going to fail, and there is no shame in that. But when we start posting our traction roll call, we are posting our greatest desire for our startups to our fellow Entrepreneurs. We are finding others who will shine or struggle like we do. We are accountable to the group, that we will do One Act Of Traction each day. 

If you think about it, three hundred and sixty five acts of Traction, can add up to a whole lot of awesome for your startup. 

If you want to join this group sign up for http://discuss.tractionbook.com/ This is where you will find us. I hope to host it at Discuss Traction Book as this is the book that will help us find our way. It's the book I truly love and know for sure you will love it too.

Commit to doing One Act Of Traction each day, and your startup will be in a better place in the future. 

My one act of traction for today is to: Post On Pinterest.