Wow,You Are So Serious Startup -

The day I started this blog some three years ago I had no idea what a blog was. I did my research after, and found out some interesting things. Mostly those things pissed me off.

First thing I should do, is lure you into doing what I want.

Yeah, there are things I should do 'according to the blog gods' to get you to follow me and all kinds of other things I should be doing. Of course this is all in the search for success. If I do not do those things then I'm some kind of loser blogger chick who's not successful! Fuck that. I'm not going to blog to get you to do something. Personally I just feel that's evil. 

I may have a mere 40K views and ZERO followers, and no comments, but I don't care. I'm me. I don't blog to gain some fame. If that comes so be it, but screw these people who are masters of the internet and tell us how we should behave. I'm a regular Joe Schmo, and I'm good with that.

My last post was about homeless people In Startup Land. I am a bit sad that you could have really cared less. I got 4 views on that post even though I tweeted it out with the same cycle as all my other post. (Again I don't play games and post at high times and what not. I just post when I post) You seem to be a crowd of people who only like when I post about startup stuff. You really like the last startup I was in Kazamster. With this post: Nothing Better Then Working On a Startup That Has Something To Do With Music. Yeah,you like that that post. Problem is, it's another struggling startup, that I'm not even working on now cause the guys joined a pot startup. The potential of it is unknown.

I'll work on writing more about startups if you work on caring about humanity's problems. Deal?

An Entrepreneurs Timeline To Success

I've been in a startup rut. It started with a life rut and grew into a big gaping hole in my startup world. I've been standing at the edge of the hole looking into it for a month now, sometimes dipping down and swimming in it. I cannot decide what direction to take.

The whole point for Passdown has been to build a test product. Just put something out there and see if I can get enough feedback or test traction to know if people want it or not. It's just supposed to be a test!

Completing the test part has turned into a struggle in itself. Filled with highs so high I kept on chasing. Now it's, lows so low that I have fights in my mind. "Keep going, you haven't even achieved the test" "Stop chasing this crazy one and wait for the next one" or the useless one "Quit being an entrepreneur at all" These fights between self doubt and hope for digging out a creation for humanity, well, I hate this part. It doesn't play well with the tormentor of my soul. 

I have managed to excite people, get people to join my build, fire people, make some enemies, get rejected regularly, be a jerk, inspire some, and mostly frustrate the hell out of myself. Yep, that's startup building. I still suck at it. 

I'm not quitting Passdown yet. I haven't done much in a month or more. What I have been doing is letting my mind figure out what to do. It's been thinking seriously, while I dealt with some life struggles. If I quit before I accomplish the test, then I'm just a quitter. I don't want to do that. So I must move forward and figure out the best, fastest, smoothest, way to get test results. What ever the test shows to be the answer is when I can rest assured that either Passdown moves forward or becomes another skeleton. 

Haunted by my startup ideas I will always be. Today I had a horrible thought. It was that I would be remembered as the Terminally Failed Startup Girl. The trep that never had a success. That was a very depressing and sad thought. I don't want that. 

My timeline is: I will build startups until I'm ninety years old. From ninety till one hundred I will retire and enjoy life. If I have had no successes, I will be successful, as the oldest person living who never gave up the desire to build gifts for humanity. I will also be a speaker at Y Combinator from the age of ninety one to the age of one hundred. If my gift for humanity is to inspire others to not give up, even when failure after failure beats you down, well, maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I do this. Suffer millions of failures to build just one successful startup, or help another person who suffers from failures. I don't know. I just have to follow the drive inside of me, even if a simple life has always been available to me. I have something in me for humanity,I can feel it. I just have to suffer the struggle to get it out of me. No matter how many years that will be.

*all photos taken by me at Denver Botanic Gardens of Dale Chihuly 2014

Awaiting A Sad Painful Death

It might not seem respectful that I title this post awaiting death. It is, what I am doing. My brother in law is in his last weeks of life. There is no doubt, but there is trouble with each person in the family's, perspective on what is to come. 

Some of the family like I, know for a fact, death will happen in this cancer case. I work in a hospital, I know this story all too well. Others, like to have a hope in a miracle, so much so that they only believe that will happen. As a hospital worker, I have also seen this exact same scenario over and over. In the end, the cancer victim and the family are constantly seeking to find the one doctor who has the answer, the one hospital that will save their beloved's life. It's super sad. 

The people who know the truth about certain kinds of cancer have told them over and over. You can only prolong your life, but you will not live very long. These are the doctors. Yet, families are so desperate to save the person, they keep going to doctor after doctor seeking to find the one who will save them. They seek holistic medicine, wild prayer vigils, weeklong prayer conferences, and none of them including modern medicine can save this dying person's life. It's super sad. They can't be saved. This kind of cancer is aggressive, and we have no weapons to fight it, only prolong it.

Often times in my work in the hospital we hear the overhead speaker announce "Paul Bunyan" A Paul Bunyan announcement is some kind of fight among people, either yelling or throwing punches. Sometimes it includes the patient,but more often it is the family members fighting over the decisions for the patient. 

I have had this issue with my brother in law. I became really angry about the choices they were making early on to help him. They decided to go with the natural route for survival, instead of chemo. I was furious about this. I was more than furious, I was outraged! How do you not do what a doctor who has studied this says? What makes you think you have any time to play around with natural products and healthy eating? So four months went by on the natural way and the cancer doubled in size. Well, I was extremly pissed. I blew up! I told them off! Yet in the end, chemo or natural, neither would have worked to fight this type of cancer. 

Right now I'm struggling with end of life care. Because my sister in law and Rob believe a miracle will happen, they do not want to agree to end of life care. I am super upset about this, because, comfort care is the best thing anyone could give Rob right now and to the end. God gives miracles, people give comfort care. 

They think for whatever reason that comfort care means admitting defeat, means not having faith in God, they won't do it. But comfort care is making a person who is dying suffer in less pain. It means a registered nurse will come to your house and administer extremly strong pain medication. It means someone will help change you if you cannot get up and go to the bathroom,it means someone will put a cold rag on your forehead and chapstick on your lips. If you choose not to have comfort care you will suffer a greater death. This upsets me, that anyone would want to suffer great pain or that anyone else would allow that, in hopes that God will miraculously save them. No one is Jesus except Jesus. We do not have to suffer to prove our faith. 

I'm sad because I think my brother in law is choosing the path of the greatest pain to his death. All he has to do is accept comfort care and his passing will not be this intense suffering. Right now he goes the emergency room every other day to get intravenous pain drugs. Only people who are dying go the ER that often. Or the crazies in the mind.

I told my husband,if this should be my experience please I want comfort care. I want the highest amount of morphine pumped into me. What the f**k! Why would you suffer the most incredible painful death possible, when you can have the choice of comfort care? Just because you have comfort care does not mean you are giving up on your hope for a miracle, or your faith. It means dying with dignity and comfort. 

Awaiting a sad painful death I am...............

The life choices we make.

Hell Showed Up Instead Of Y Combinator: Not Really

Okay, just kidding,hell did not show up. So my team did not get picked as one of the "most promising teams" to be invited to Y Combinator, it doesn't mean we are not. It was interesting this year to find that it took me three hours longer to get over my sorrow. Last year it only took an hour. I think the reason for that is because this year I have a team, and it bothered me that I let them down.

I accept full responsibility for my team, and it hurt me to think about them not getting this opportunity. 

Sunrise On Day Of Not Making It In

The thing is, no startup needs an accelerator. No startup needs funding. Don't get me wrong, those two things could come in handy and surly bless a young startup, it's just that the finest companies in the world didn't have funding or accelerators, they did it without those things. One can say that when you run out of money your company is dead. Mostly that is true, but it's not an absolute. I would have to say the biggest thing to put a company out of business is not getting traction. If you cannot grow your users or customers, well, then you are dead. That is an absolute.

I learned a ton by applying to Y Combinator again. Not making the cut, well that hurt me the least. Two things hurt me the most. People wrinkling they're eyebrows and saying "You have no way in hell of getting into Y Combinator" that hurt. Such a harsh judgment without hope. What hurt the most is what my lawyer said. He said "recognize that it will come down to whether they want to take a chance on you given that your background is a bit different than many of the other applicants." Yeah, I don't know why that one hurt so much. I guess because I know I am way different than many of the founders of startups. It saddens me to think an accelerator would judge on that. I don't know if they do, but my lawyer seemed to think so. 

For me, I'd like to think I would never judge someone on their background, after all it shapes us as humans and we are not totally in control of it's path. Sure if your background is a serial killer, well, you should be judged, but not by me to hire you. 

The judgement business, we all have to do it. It must be exceedingly hard to not group people into your biases and toss them into the gutter based on that. My lawyer must have believed that when he read my part of the application, well, it frightened him, it appalled him, it disturbed him, who knows, but whatever it did, it made him think I was not a candidate. That saddens me. Yes, it hurt me the most.

You don't know how much I love people. Yes I have some serious wounds from the people who are closest to me, and yes, it's super hard to love them, but I do. They might not know it. I struggle with my bias "if you hurt me deeply, it's going to be hard for me to show you love" 

Whatever my sordid insane background is, it's mine, it's me. It's also my people, the people who sign up for apps and new social networks, the people who got bullied, who purchase songs, the people who's hardships were endless, who try out the products and services new startups offer,the people who never give up because they love to explore. Yes these are my people, I like to call them ~ humanity.

Gettin My Ears Cleaned In China.
Now That's Humanity In Action!

To the teams who eventually get selected for Y Combinator W15, may you bless the world with your gifts, we await them.

The Spinning Wheels Of Fastness: A Startups Burst

Now that's almost like what Paul Graham would name one of his essays. "The Spinning Wheels Of Fastness by Paul Graham" I can see it now on his funny, easy to use blog of essays, and his life as an entrepreneur and VC, as well as his former life as the head of Y Combinator.

This is my blog and I get to tell you what the title means. It's that oh so wonderful feeling every successful founder stumbled upon when they finally found the startup that was going to be a success. 

For me, the wheels of fastness are happening now with Passdown. It's like I do one thing hardly creative and it goes BOOM! People react in a way that they never did in my last startup build. I am taken back and shocked by this. I usually have a stunned look on my face while in my mind I process the reaction. 

Hmmmm. What did I say that was so different from my last startup I ponder. To me, I keep expecting people to react the same way as they did my last startup. " Oh, that sounds nice" No one ever was excited about my last startup, but now, it's different.

It seems to be that the spinning wheels of fastness are upon me. I also seem to be landing on every inch of luck that I can. To me, I think, that the startup idea itself takes on some sort of living power. It becomes some monster outside of myself, grabbing up all the life it can, then it returns it to me like a dog who fetched the ball. 

This monster wants me to be happy it's finding the ways to excite people with it's puppy floppy ears and a smile to lure in the disbelievers. 

All the days are spinning fast. The foundation build is quick, swift, and overflowing. Every stone that I needed to find, popped into the build as if, it had been waiting for me for years, ready to claim it's place amongst the bricks.

As a struggling founder of failed startups, I'm am spinning, with my arms stretched out, gathering in all the amazement of this surprise, this build is giving me. It's life all around me, reaching out and grabbing towards the beautiful gift Passdown is going to give humanity. People want it, and that want is leaking into my world, and I am gratefully receiving the response.

Soon I will be telling all of you what Passdown is, and how it will bless your life. To me, I am in the Startup Burst. The place where I have to accept the truth, that I helped build the path to create something great for humans. It's sort of a humbling place to be. And for now, I can only handle little bits of success. 

The "Talk" With My Lawyer

I avoided my lawyer for months. I'm sure he thought, I had found a new lawyer, and he had become toast. No he had only become a butter liquefier. Everytime he had come into my life, my cash melts down fast. Sometimes I think, I'd like to send him a funny joke going around the internet, but I'll be charged for him to read it. You know they charge for every vowel out of your mouth, but hey, facial expressions are free! 

You know the new training they get in college. That, timer training. Every time you start talking, it's on. The catch is you have to figure out the hard way.

Ahhh, I really love my lawyer. He is a young fresh kid, whom I like to mess with, by saying outlandish statements to. Yep, those kind of statements that makes a person have to act extra professional. Not respond in any way to such crazy statements. Oh you don't know how much fun I have messing with people in this manner. Especially lawyers!

Okay, so I avoided him until finally my legal issues in building a startup, started to burst. I had to let him in on my new startup build. I've taken it to the point where, I need to check all my legal p's and q's. And Josh is extremly meticulous in every detail legal. Of course I tried to slip in some cutting corners in the past, but he set me straight. I salute him for his outstanding ability to follow the law. My messing with him results in my old standard as, I just can't be that good. Sometimes you gotta be a little bad. 

Of course I like to follow the laws to the up most of my ability. I only speed a little, but I sort of like messing with his training, by tempting him to cut a corner, no one drives that perfect! He just can't do it. Truly I admire him for this, and that's why he will always be a part of my team. 

Yesterday I had the "talk" with him. That's the one when I say "Hey I'm building a new startup, and I need these three items from you". He was happy to comply. So he went to work doing what I had asked. 

He did just as I thought he would. Completely, meticulously, flawless work. Then he made a big lawyer error. Shh don't tell him. He doesn't even know yet what he did. Ha ha ha, I've got him cornered, he will be forced to do as I say to save face! 

Then he surprised me. He needed to talk to me on the phone. Finally he let his real humanity out and became a person who could see that my new startup has something. He seemed to stumble around the words, but it all came out, he said "This is the best idea you have had yet" this idea is, well, this one could really do something for people, this...this...idea, well I know about this, but I have never thought about it the way you have, this is... I could tell, yes! finally, I was able to show the fantasy of the idea in my head to someone else and they GOT IT. It is that fantasy the entrepreneur comes up with, is often times, hard to explain. I usually get wrinkled faces instead of what the entrepreneur in me would like to receive. It is what had befallen on Josh. He was able to dream with me. He was able to see all the massive potential. He was able to see a little tiny glimpse into my dream. 

To see someone wrap their head around my idea, this is a very magical moment for me. He ended saying something to the effect that this idea could very well leave a lasting impact on humanity. I said, and this is what I have always wanted to do.   

I hope you will be able to dream with me and the Passdown team ~ 

Releasing as soon as we get the p's and q's checked! and paid for : - )

Related articles: 

Reactions To My New Startup Passdown

Part 2: Reactions To My New Startup Passdown

Pivot, Right Into A New Startup Build

Hmmm, I read about this "pivot" startups often do. It always seems to be a word that means to me, "make a change in your companies focus, so you can save it's, sinking ass". 

Pivot

I'd think about that word seriously, as I read startup stories mentioning the word pivot. What exactly are they talking about? Then the paragraphs that would follow always lead into a direction the company needed to go, to "stay alive". 

I'm Kind Of An Extremist

I took a pivot, right into building a new startup. No, I didn't do a pivot to make DigiThin a success or save it, surly I could have, if I wanted to. It's not that I quit DigiThin. It's not like, I had to let go of all the employee's, as there were only one, me. It's not that I had to disappoint any investors, I had none of those either. I didn't shut the doors down on it, because I can sort of push it slowly on the side if I want to. At least for the next year. 

The hard thing getting to the point of the pivot, meant accepting failure of DigiThin. Failure has it's own kind of power, it's ruthless in how it torments a person's soul. 

One Day I Had A Bit Of Luck

My startup thinking mind, announced a new startup I should build. It did it slowly over a few weeks time. The whispers rolled in like, a slow ocean. Hitting my thoughts with just enough to tease me into thinking about something else. Yeah, that's the thoughts a great entrepreneur should listen to. But, I'm no great entrepreneur. Yet I had enough sense in me to acknowledge it. 

As it played with my mind, tempting me to follow it. I thought about what I had to give up. What I had to walk away from. 

Disappointing family and friends who believed in me and my idea.  The 55K or more I spent out of my families personal savings. This hurt me like a broken heart in a romance. I kept playing the tapes over and over about how that cash could have paid for my kids college. I kept thinking, I can't walk away from DigiThin now, just at the point I finally figured out how to get traction. 

My Answer Was Always In Me

Yeah, I burned a ton of cash that could have done other things. I also gave myself an education worth more than the price of an education. 

Just as the teasing thoughts tempted me, in a slow but quick way. I jumped onto the other boat. I can honestly say, it's the most amazing freeing feeling, I've had in two years. I'm loving my new startup. It's like AMAZING times liquidation preference 1.5X!

Yet, I'm in this weird half the weight on my shoulders, and half the weight off area. At times, I'm so free to create, then other times I'm burdened down by the startup I have to let go. Truly it's like saying good bye to a lover when you know the relationship is over, yet the talks to stay together go on.

Ahh, The Majesty Of My New Love Is So Grand

My new startup is not limited to a certain market. It's a product for every person, every race, every culture, everyone! Hmmm, to me this means something pretty special, it's HUMANITY. It's all of us. That's why those whispers in my head are something I cannot turn away from. It's a product for each and every person, young and old. How can I not chase it? How can I not create it? To turn away from it, would be like turning away from mankind. It would be like saying I don't care about you, when I do. 

I have no more family cash to put into my new startup. It won't matter. I've learned so much from building DigiThin, that I know if this new startup wants to live, the whispers in my mind, the skills I learned, the people I've met, the mistakes I've made, the hope in my heart, the path I've followed, will all come together to build one of the greatest gifts for humanity. 

I'm listening to the whispers......

I'm chasing my new startup....... 

I'm seeking this gift for humanity......

* I wrote this after being awake 27 hours. Hope it's good : - /