All right here it is, my truth. I absolutely do like to see myself on video. Probably because it is the truest version of me, and what I see, is a person I don't want to be. Overweight and old.
I have to make a 30 second video tape of me, as Y combinator wants this to be a part of the application. It's one minute, but I'm splitting it with my cofounder,so 30 seconds should be easy! Not.
Y Combinator does not want us to rehearse lines. I'm good with that, the problem is, anytime you know you are being taped you act different. You can try a million times over to be yourself, but because you know you are being taped, it fucks things up. You can't be you. It's horrifying. What ever video I take of myself for Y Combinator is going to be a hard struggle for me. Because it really won't be me. I can't be me if I know I am being taped. Try it yourself, you'll see, it's not easy. Only a lucky few can pull it off, the rest of have to suffer, while we want to be ourselves we cannot. Then when we edit the video and our self judgement of ourselves steps in and really screws things up.
I am not like Gary Vaynerchuk, he loves being on video. I do not. It's not my platform. Blogging is. Pretty much everything that has no pictures of me in it, is my platform. I used to be cute, when I was young. I used to be cute when I was old, and in shape. This last year has been the worst year of my physical health. Two surgeries, and my twin brothers death. Yeah, all I did was get FAT. All I did was not take care of myself. Not happy about that, yet it is the choice I made. I'm working towards getting back into working out, it's been a struggle physically and mentally.
I do not look that ugly in real life, I least I hope I don't. Video does not work for me. I don't want them to judge me on my looks or how I appear on video. It's my idea that I should be judged on. I'll get an F on the video of me. I'll get rejected if they see the video, that's what I think. I think the video of me is the worst possible thing. It's not me.
People judge on looks. Even if you think you do not, you do. We all do it. I think in real life I'm beautiful,but on video I think I am a very homely woman. I look like a freak on video. I' struggling with this part of the application. I'm suffering, I'm tormenting my soul. I will do it, because it's part of the application : - /
This was my hike today. Beautiful fall in Colorado.
Took this pic on lake Dillon while in a kayak today. Pretty sweet day today! Now that photo says it all. That is who I am. If I could look this good on a video, I'd get into Y Combinator.
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