The Dream Continues To Torment

Hollowness captures me. I'm empty. I have no startup achievements to boast about. I have nothing exciting to move forward with. My world of hope has been taken from me.

It's a misery I do not want. Sure I could get out of it. I am the one who decides what to do in life....or am I? 

You see no startup is a worthless idea. I am not able to chase mine the way I want to. I have other responsibilities, to people I love. Probably the reason the accelerators ask: "Do you have a family?" Ahhhggg, if I didn't have a family, I wouldn't be building something for humanity. I wouldn't know what humanity was otherwise. 

My plans were to be further along by now. In my trep head, I'm way behind schedule. I turn to my steadfast belief that if the traffic is at a standstill and I cannot make it to my appointment, that, my life was saved. Because if the traffic had been moving, surly I would have been in a fatal accident. Yeah, this is some kind of self motivational sick psychology I play on myself, attempting to justify the truth, that maybe I'm no entrepreneur. If I should be labeled just an "Idea" or just a "dreamer" than that's failure to me. I'm dying inside of myself while I play the life game. This is not who I want to be. Ahhh this torment is tormenting me! I'm like my son's artwork, hovering above my pond, wanting to capture my dream, frozen permanently in chaos of the to do list.

Simon painted this in high school

The Crappy Life Of A Struggling Entrepreneur: Who Cares?

Pretty much it's failure. Have I really become so comfortable with it? Success in any area of my life is always short, happy, and gone quickly. I suppose if I have success someday I will be in shock and die of heart failure.

Right now I'm in my worst season. Summer. I should be happy for the warm days, rain, beautiful flowers and time to go camping, hiking, and dirt bike riding. Yet, summer for me is double my work load. The household chores pile up like the ant hills being built outside by the earths mystery of 'where do they live all winter?

Yeah, I could just let it all go, but that would mean losing money in home ownership. A run down property is less valuable. Not that I want to sell, but hey, I take care of my investments.

I don't know, really right now I'd like to break out in a million curse words. I'd like God to take away my desire to build some startup. I'm not only long shot startup girl, I'm probably the least likely ever to succeed at it. Still, I continue, even when regular life becomes a burden. What am I supposed to be doing? This search to find life's purpose isn't easy. It's painful. I wish God was clear as to what he wants me to do,cause all these roads are dead ends that never end.