The New Frontier Of Suicide

I was cleaning up my office and I found a slip of paper with the title of this post on it. I wanted to write about how suicide today has a new frontier

as compared to when I grew up. It's been on my mind for some time, but I haven't been able to construct the post in my head. So the slip of paper lay in wait of either a post, or a dump into the office trash. 

I can't let it turn into trash so here I am typing and thinking at the same time. Hmmm. I think the first thing you should know is that the first time I ever thought about suicide was when I was eight years old. Life for me was miserable and I didn't want to live anymore. As a grown up I'm in tears, as how could an eight year old want to take their life? A child should always have nothing but joy, security and love. Then I realized it's me, I'm the eight year old. 

The word suicide was a word I had not ever heard of at eight years old. I did know, that living was unbearable and I didn't want to do it. I lay in bed and wished I was never born. Then because I didn't know how to kill myself, I went into fantasy land and made stories up. I had invented a hide-away in my head that I could go to, to escape the pain of living. It was a basement below our basement. A secret basement. Because it was so deep into the ground it had no windows, yet it was so bright. It had a spiral stairway and it was covered in long white fur lined carpet. It was the most beautiful place ever to me as an eight year old. 

What did I do in this secret place? Well, I never did anything. The fantasy was always that I escaped to it, and it was peaceful and happy. Their was no torment or torture. There was no one in this place but me, and as lonely as it seems, I was somehow very happy there.

Don't Come Here To Early

The new frontier of suicide is social networks. Suicidal people can post how they feel. Others can encourage them either positively or negatively. Mostly it's always positive. It's a whole new world. For me, my thoughts of taking my life were only known to me, until I attempted it and ended up in some hospital. Now a days there are so many ways to reach out and get help, even if the people are strangers, they help. There was not this kind of help available to me when I was suffering the strongest. There were NO people I could reach out to, but today these young kids have a multitude of social network's to express their pain on. Today is a good day, because beautiful people can talk to someone anonymously, and find hope.

It's Not Your Time

What did I have back then? No one. I couldn't share with millions of people I cut myself and I had thoughts of hanging or jumping. I had absolutely no one to talk to. The new frontier offers a hope I could have loved to have back then. The new frontier is beautiful if you ask me. These kids today have more hope to live. The loneliest of the lonely has a chance. How I survived my suicide years, I do not know.

I think about Robin Williams, and wonder. I think it's impossible that he just decided to take his life at the age of sixty three. I think, he struggled with suicide thoughts on and off for his entire life, like I do. Once the poisonous thought enters, you can't take it out of your mind. It resurfaces every time you are struggling with life. It's right there to help you out. Ugg. There is no delete for the thoughts in the human brain. This is why we suffer.

This new frontier of suicide is amazing. It's super easy for a suffering person to make contact. You can get help, or help someone. I see people do this everyday. Yep, it's true, some of us are not going to make it. Some of us are going to walk into the next world earlier then our loved ones would want. 

I think with this new frontier, the chances of longer survival are increased greatly. I think some tech startup will develop a tool that takes the notch up even higher. Us who suffer this secret life destroyer will have greater hope. We are not self centered or hopelessly doomed. Our infliction will be annihilated one day. We shall not suffer in silence and fear condemnation for our burden. We are people who display our joy and humor in the mist of a tormentor. We are stable minded on the most part, yet we have to carry the "crazy" whom seeks to take our lives. None of us want it, but we have no choice, it's our gift. It helps us to create. We just need extra love ~ 

Dale Chihuly~ This Is Love To Me
Stay Alive To Create

Invisible Suicide: The Tortured Soul

I was at a sip and painting event when I heard that Robin Williams had died. She turned to me to say "my mom just texted me that Robin Williams committed suicide." 

This was an odd statement coming from my friends mouth. What..what...what did you say, I asked? 

I went on painting my dandelion, thinking about Robin and how his gift had made me laugh a plenty of times in my own dark despair. I

thought about Barry Fey. Barry was a successful concert promoter in my state of Colorado for many years. I had met Barry a few times and once he had taken me on a date to drink hot cocoa at Village Inn. Barry had taken his life a few years ago, after he had hip replacement surgery and was struggling with the recovery from it. At least that is what I had read about his death. I was very sad about his death.

One of Barry's close friends commented in the paper saying "He was a tortured soul." There happens to be many of us tortured souls out there in the world, I too am one. 

My cousin Van was a tortured soul. He took his life at the age of twentyfour. He was living with his beautiful girlfriend and they just moved into a new place. He went on his morning jog, and decided that jumping in front of a train and having his body cut into thirds was a good idea. Yeah, that's a tortured soul. 

For me I've come to many milestones to understand what haunts me. I've been labeled by professionals with all kinds of descriptions, and did the therapy circuit many times. The truth is, I am a creative person and without some sort of insanity torturing me, I could not create. I think without the tormentor, I'd be a mundane wall flower that never had anything to offer humanity. 

Recently my twin brother was found dead in his apartment after the smell of his decomposing body alerted neighbors. We are still waiting for the coroner's report as to why he died. The thing is, he was killing himself his entire life. He was tortured even more than I am. Part of me thinks he took his life, and the other part of me thinks he died of natural causes, like a heart attack or a stroke. 

As I think about Robin Williams and Barry Fey, I think about the fact that I too am never safe at any age, from being taken down that road by the tormentor. Yeah, I attempted suicide years ago. I feel like I've grown way out of that time of my life, but I do admit, suicide thoughts are invisible to everyone but me. No one knows when they are in my brain and when they are not, but I. Sometimes I think that the thought of suicide is really a poisonous thought, that once it entered into my brain all those years ago, it's a weed, and the roots are to thick and deep to pull out. 

I'm sad about Robin Williams, and everyone who has this very unique blessing that enables us to give beautiful gifts to humanity. Maybe when you know someone who is creative, humorous, gifted and full of life, just remember, they are most likely tortured souls, and the best thing to do is to let them know how much you love them. Even more so, if they push you away. Sometimes, at least for me, I just need extra encouragement. I need other human beings to believe in me even when I fail and fall short. For me, I think because of this tormented soul condition, I need extra feedback of support from other humans, because I cannot build myself up, I have very little capacity to believe in myself. My trainer said I have a problem with "self loathing" He is probably correct. Yet, when others believe in me, I shine. I think us tortured soul people need positive feedback from others, and if we get a ton of negative feedback from others because of our mistakes, missteps and all common human behaviors, well, we crash. We go right into a pit of swirling thoughts that taunt us into thinking suicide is a good idea.

Terrified I am. I hope the day never comes for me that the swirling thoughts of the supposedly good idea takes me from you. It is old age that I want to die from. As vain as I am about wrinkles, I think I could get used to them. 



Update: So the news this week 11/12/14 is that Robin Williams had a hallucination condition that they can only find after looking at the brain,after death. I"m sadin to the fact that I cannot get the results of my brother's death and he died months before Mr. Robin Williams. I feel sad. Surely they will not do the same type of lab results on my brother as they did a famous person? They will not find anything significant as what they found on Mr. Williams. If they would ask me, I'd pay to find out.

I think this news is a justification for Robin Williams committing suicide. Be it may be true. If my brother committed suicide, well, who cares? They will never do the in depth report or in depth search they did on Mr.Williams nope, known abusers are worthless humans who do not deserve full research. I can bet you anything one day the report will come back on my brother, and my brothers death will be labeled either suicide or inconclusive. There will be no brain reports of hallucination.There will be no explanation of a losers death. It will be what they say. I am positive it won't be the same research as they did for Mr. Williams.



  

Pluto: The Disappearing Email : - )

Finally, someone has come to save me from myself. 

I would love to send Pluto, 40 dozen Roses, 400 pounds of chocolate, and 900 cases of the finest wine in the world as a great big THANK YOU. 

I am the biggest offender of "hit send" on emails, that, well, I really should not have sent! 

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I knowingly send emails that will get me into some kind of trouble? 

Ummm well, let me put it to you as blunt as an Eminem rap. "I don't fucking care" You see the problem started some years ago when I was extremly depressed and suicidal. During that time in my life, my mind changed, and I decided, Fuck It! If I'm going to be dead tomorrow, might as well say EXACTLY what I want to say! 

We do have freedom of speech here in America, but we do not have the right to go around saying things that can damage someone else with SLANDER. That's not what I do. 

What I usually do is call someone out on their shit. Or I an invent what I think, are great ideas, and I dish those out, and people just cringe when they run into me, cause they do not want to tell me how bad the idea was. This causes awkwardness! Eeeekkkk

But you see, I'm not afraid to tell a bully off, or a friend that, well you are stupid if you do that! 

Here is the thing I always ask myself before I hit send. "If I died tomorrow, would I be glad I sent that email?" My answer is almost always YES, cause I'll be dead! So hit send! ; - )

Okay, honestly, yes I have felt a tiny bit guilty that I have sent certain emails in life. 

But only a tiny bit. Yes, I have at times, had the fantasy,"I wish I could send another email, that would automatically delete the previous email from the person's account to whom I sent it", in hopes, they never got a chance to read it! The thing is, I often think of the person I sent my "I don't give a fuck email to" and I think about what kind of person they are, and usually, I know they are not the "open thinking" kind of person. Yet, I kinda want them to be, so that's why I send it. 

If you can't open up your mind to debate, discuss, be angry with, disagree with, and still love your friend or family, then, well you can't walk the line I walk - it's the line of who cares, If your dead tomorrow. Say it, because it matters.

So here we go. It's PLUTO on the plate. The way to saving yourself from yourself! I'm so in. Because the thing is, I usually know the questionable emails I send out, and maybe a little disappearing could do me good!