Tormenting Myself Making A Video For Y Combinator

Y Combinator video tape day. Ugg.

All right here it is, my truth.  I absolutely do like to see myself on video. Probably because it is the truest version of me, and what I see, is a person I don't want to be. Overweight and old. 

I have to make a 30 second video tape of me, as Y combinator wants this to be a part of the application. It's one minute, but I'm splitting it with my cofounder,so 30 seconds should be easy! Not. 

Y Combinator does not want us to rehearse lines. I'm good with that, the problem is, anytime you know you are being taped you act different. You can try a million times over to be yourself, but because you know you are being taped, it fucks things up. You can't be you. It's horrifying. What ever video I take of myself for Y Combinator is going to be a hard struggle for me. Because it really won't be me. I can't be me if I know I am being taped. Try it yourself, you'll see, it's not easy. Only a lucky few can pull it off, the rest of have to suffer, while we want to be ourselves we cannot. Then when we edit the video and our self judgement of ourselves steps in and really screws things up.

I am not like Gary Vaynerchuk, he loves being on video. I do not. It's not my platform. Blogging is. Pretty much everything that has no pictures of me in it, is my platform. I used to be cute, when I was young. I used to be cute when I was old, and in shape. This last year has been the worst year of my physical health. Two surgeries, and my twin brothers death. Yeah, all I did was get FAT. All I did was not take care of myself. Not happy about that, yet it is the choice I made. I'm working towards getting back into working out, it's been a struggle physically and mentally. 

 I do not look that ugly in real life, I least I hope I don't. Video does not work for me. I don't want them to judge me on my looks or how I appear on video. It's my idea that I should be judged on. I'll get an F on the video of me. I'll get rejected if they see the video, that's what I think. I think the video of me is the worst possible thing. It's not me. 

People judge on looks. Even if you think you do not, you do. We all do it. I think in real life I'm beautiful,but on video I think I am a very homely woman. I look like a freak on video. I' struggling with this part of the application. I'm suffering, I'm tormenting my soul. I will do it, because it's part of the application : - /

 This was my hike today. Beautiful fall in Colorado.

 Took this pic on lake Dillon while in a kayak today. Pretty sweet day today! Now that photo says it all. That is who I am. If I could look this good on a video, I'd get into Y Combinator.

Wrapping Your Head Around The Self Judgment Of Yourself

Today I did a photoshoot, with DigiThin's photographer Cody. We both work out regularly. He is super buff, I'm getting there. So we took turns at who would pose and who would be the photographer.

We both found out that being behind the camera was so much better then being in front of it. It is super hard to pose, and I have so much respect for models, it's not an easy-peasy job at all, it's super hard.

You have to put your body into positions that are not normal. You have to twist part of your body one way and the other part the other way, all the while, by sucking in your gut, holding up your chin, dropping your shoulders, and putting your hands in the right position.

On top of that you have the human problem going on. Yeah that problem with our self judgment of ourselves. Both Cody and I have done the selfie photo shoot, and I'm not talking holding your cell phone out and snapping, I'm talking setting up a shoot, and hitting the timer button and running out in front of the camera and posing.

Even doing that, by yourself all alone with no one else around, it's really odd, but you find yourself incredible nervous. WHY? This is something both Cody and I asked ourselves. How can we be nervous taking pictures of ourselves alone? This makes no sense. One would think that being alone with no one else around that taking a picture of yourself would be easy, but it's not. It's easy on your cell phone, but if you set up a real photo shoot scene, it's nerve racking.

We also learned today that we both have harsh judgments of ourselves. When we put the shots on the computer we both found things about ourselves that we did not like and it really bothered us both, yet we did not see the flaws in the other person.

It is us, ourselves, who judge ourselves the most harsh. I don't know why us humans do this but I think it causes us problems in life. I think we have to get away from it. Cody had all these things that he thought was wrong with him and I saw none of that. I only a saw a beautiful man with muscle and a super beautiful smile. I'm not really sure what he thought of my shots, but he seemed surprised I had a big beer belly, he said I never saw that in real life. How did the camera show that? (drinking too much beer)

I think us humans, I think we judge ourselves to harshly. No one judges us to the extreme’s we judge ourselves. I don't know how I'm going to get past this, but I'm going to try, because I should not condemn my flaws, if others don't see those in me, then why do I? I think it should start with believing what others say. If they say you look good, then I should believe that and not go down the list of flaw's I think I have, and start condemning myself. I am a beautiful woman, no matter what my age. I am not perfect, but I am beautiful.

Take Cody for example, here he is 25 years old, an Afghanistan war vet, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him in my eyes. He is beautiful. He takes care of his body, but he is not perfect. None of us are. Yet he thought he had things wrong with him.

As long as you and I are alive, then we have nothing wrong with us. As long as we are working on being good humans to each other and helping others, then there is nothing wrong with us. We are all beautiful – So smile and don't listen to that self judgment, because it's wrong

Pssst - Don't be afraid to comment, just because no one else has. I'd love to hear your voice on all my postings! : - )