Giants In The Startup World and Lucky Girl

I used to be the most unlucky person in the world. Getting the shaft, just made me fall into self-pity and self-doubt all the more. Being beat down by bullies only smeared gobs of pain upon my pain. 

One day I decided to change. I started doing things I would never do. Like work out and eat healthy. One day I decided that every lie in my head had to go. Yet, rooting out those lies is so much harder than pulling a weed from the yard. The roots of negative are strong and a nuisance to one's soul. 

Yet I have been determined to not waste my life on useless thoughts, that only hurt me and others. I wanted to become the person I'd always known I was, but I had no self-esteem to become that person who helps others. A strong person, a confident person, maybe not as bright as the genius, but a person who could hang with them, because, after all, I sort of have their handicap. 

I don't know what kindness cloud has fallen on me, but lately Giants in the startup world are taking notice of me. Yet I don't want them to notice me, I want them to notice my ideas. I seek to make humanity shine. And maybe teach people whom are bullied not to retaliate in a negative way, like Columbine. My retaliation is going to be positive. If bullies hurt me, then I will work extra hard to make someones elses life special. If bullies beat down my heart, then I will work extra hard to find people I can bless with love. If bullies destroy my dreams, I will work extra hard to build new dreams.  

For some unknown reason, some people get picked on more then others. It never makes any sense, to purposely hurt another human being with dished out humanity killing cruelty. 

If I could end bullying ~ That's what I would do. And maybe building startups is how I will do it. 

For now I am lucky girl. Standing in the shadows, Leary, as if who?  Could any of these people I'm crossing paths with, be a bully? Will they come on sweet then change to cruel? Who can I trust? NO ONE. Not even the Giants of the startup world. Yet, I want to, I want to believe kindness coming on is true, and it won't turn into a nightmare that rips me into pieces of discarded trash. 

Yeah, I'm lucky girl............................

Persistence, PTSD, Pain and Pushing Your Startup

Persistence
One of the things I have learned from reading Paul Graham essays is, founders are the ones who give their startup the push to get the traction, to take it to the next level. Founders make it happen.

Founders get down and dirty, and do things they never dreamed of doing, discovering things they never thought possible about themselves, and the ones who don't give up the push, well, they are the ones who have a better chance at making it.

I have the persistence, I'm not giving up ever. Even when I have many days that I think I should do just that.  I have already decided that if I don't give up I'll be successful. Yet it's not an easy road, it's painful at times, and sometimes it's extremly painful. Then you add in all the regular life shit on top of that, and your pretty fucked in the mind. 

Pain
Some of us Entrepreneurs suffer from depression. I have my episodes with that, but it's not usually to much or to long. The problem I have is PTSD. 

PTSD
I did not know that I had PTSD for years, until one day when I went to a therapist for another reason, she pointed out all the issues that proves I have it. Uggg, no way man! You are crazy I told her! I was pretty sure PTSD was only for people who have been in war zones, and seen, and participated in some pretty damn serious shit. So don't label me with that honor, cause I don't have it!

Gulp, after further research and thought, oh yeah when you can't get repeating memories out of your head, that's a sign. When something triggers a thought, and anxiety fills your chest and the thoughts flood your mind, that's a sign. I hate it. It's just a burden of thoughts that torture me. 

I have done my stints in therapy for it. Tonight I drove up to Boulder to try out a PTSD support group. Why, why, why am I still suffering from this crap, I asked myself as I drove up from Denver. My answer was, because all the bullies that dished out their bull on me never apologized! Of course I forgave all of them years ago, but the thoughts won't leave my head until they say they are sorry for bullying me, or I never see their sorry asses again. One of the two things have to happen. 

Fat chance on a bully saying they are sorry. So it's time for me to cut them out of my life. I'm done. There will be no more bully of me ever! So fuck you past bullies in my life. And that goes for any future bullies, that think they can do it to me again, because I have changed, and you won't be able to pull your torture crap on me again. You are scum. People who do cruelty to others on purpose are losers! 

Pushing

I am in the push phase of my startup. It is extremly hard. For any trep not at or never having done this stage, it's probably the stage that will test you the most. Especially if you are like me at this stage and running on a very thin line of cash flow. Here I am searching for how to find money and push my little tiny start up with virtually nothing, my brother dies, and the PTSD flairs up. As if I really need a big dose of torture thoughts! Isn't that fucking lovely? 

Well that's life in my startup, and nothing is stopping me, even if I run out of money, I will find a way. Because my payback to all bullies is this: I'm turning all the pain you heaped on me into something positive to help others.